A few years back, a new parenting method was introduced: never say “no” to your kids.
The idea behind this was to positively redirect the child’s behavior. Instead of saying no, the parent was to suggest the child do something else as an alternative. The goal was to focus on a positive way of parenting that would still create clear boundaries.
The hope is that by avoiding the word “no”, the child will not have a bad reaction to the restriction or feel hurt/frustrated. Doing this would help avoid tantrums as well.
This parenting method extends to the various ways in which communication can have a negative tone. Here are some examples:
Instead of saying: “Don’t do that”, “I can’t right now”, “Don’t say that”, or “No”.
It would be best if you said: “How about you do this instead?”, “Give me a moment and I’ll be right with you”, “Let’s use a kinder word”, and “We can do this another day”.
What’s the problem then?
From the look of it, this parenting method focuses on positive communication. By redirecting the attention to something else, you reduce the discomfort a child may feel when being reprimanded, therefore redirecting their behavior.
Here’s where the problem could arise. This parenting method may work wonders for some children but I don’t think this could work for everyone. The child may become expectant of this kind of communication from every person in their lives. As we know, they will hear no’s and you can’t shield them from their friends, other family members, at school, or at work (when they grow up), nor in every other setting they find themselves in.
It can be a hard thing to assimilate. Sometimes, it may make the child feel entitled to things always going their way or people finding solutions for them when they can’t do or get what they want.
Furthermore, saying no creates a clear boundary that cannot be negotiated. Not everything will always be positive or pleasant, which means, that sometimes you just have to say no.
5 Reasons why you should say NO to your kids
1. Clear boundaries
Even though you can set boundaries without saying no all the time, the truth is that when you say no it’s clear that there’s no moving past it. It is absolute and unequivocal.
Your child knows there is no room for negotiation and they have no choice but to follow the rules set in place.
2. They learn things do not always go their way
Things will not always work out the way that they expected or had planned. Furthermore, there will be times when they won’t even get a consolation prize. They will have to sit empty-handed and get nothing.
We may want to protect our children and hope they never experience disappointment. Unfortunately, that is not something we can control. Even though we should be mindful of the things we say to our children and how we say it, they need to learn that there won’t always be an option for something else.
If anything, they will experience more no’s in life than the yeses that will come their way. We simply have to learn how to be ok with that and keep moving forward.
3. Teaches them to accept when things don’t go their way
When they come face to face with big harsh no’s, they will simply accept that this time, things did not go the way they planned.
This doesn’t mean that it’s not ok to be bummed out, disappointed, and/or frustrated. These are normal feelings that are acceptable and ok to feel when things don’t go our way. However, the difference is that it will be easier to get up, try again, or try something new. Rather than sitting around pouting and hoping a change takes place that is to their liking.
4. Prepares them for the real world
As we have discussed, they will face many disappointments throughout their lives. Now is the time to teach them the tools they need in order to deal with and accept the unexpected outcomes of life.
Of course, you can still be gentle and loving while explaining why they can’t do or have something they have requested. Remember, preparing them for the real world does not equate to being rude and purposely harsh to your kid. As their parent, you are supposed to be their safe haven, their support.
Leaning too hard on the “tough love” to make them develop a thick skin can completely backfire. Just make sure to have a balance.
5. Helps them understand authority
You do not need to bargain with your child. Now, this does not mean that you should never consider their opinions and sometimes meet them halfway. What it means is that you are the parent. You are in charge. The parent-child relationship is not a partnership where both parties have an equal amount of say on the decisions that need to be made.
Melbourne Child Psychology says that “psychologically, it’s really important for kids to know that the person looking after them is in control”.
Your child looks to you for guidance since they lack the knowledge or maturity to lead independent lives. They are your responsibility. Therefore, when you say no to something, they need to respect it and adhere to the rules.
This will translate to other aspects of their lives. They will intuitively know that everything has an order depending on the setting they are in. This means listening and showing respect to their teachers, principals, the adults in their lives, future bosses, law enforcement, etc.
3 Things to remember
1. You can say no and still be kind
You don’t need to be the Hulk and slam things around to teach them that the world will not always take into account their feelings. You can still be kind and have a talk with your child. Always welcome their questions. Children respond better when they understand the reasons why they are expected to behave in a certain way.
Most of the time they are asking why because they want to know the reasons behind it. They are simply curious. You can observe this in toddlers who have begun to talk. They will ask “why?” an indefinite number of times. This is because they are trying to learn and make sense of the things around them.
I know that it can sometimes be a little irritating, but if you focus on the fact that they are just trying to understand why this would be bad, perhaps it will recharge your patience battery.
2. Do not feel guilty
I know some parents battle with guilt. They feel bad when they have to say no to their children and then see their sad faces. Some may find it hard to handle the disappointment they may have caused on their child. And sometimes, some parents struggle with the fact that their child might get angry with them.
Always keep in mind that you are your child’s parent, not their best friend. Part of that job is to set rules in place that will keep them safe. That means that sometimes you’re going to have to say no.
Your children are not always going to love that part, but that only means you are doing your job correctly.
3. Your children will be ok
They will not break, crack, or completely shatter. They will be absolutely fine. Do not be afraid to be a good parent and say no when necessary. They will be ok.
It is ok for them to experience disappointment and be bummed out sometimes. There will be times when they might have to miss a party, not get a game that they wanted, or not go to the movie theater to watch a movie that they have been waiting for.
Your child might feel upset at the time but they’ll get over it. Just know that No is not a bad word and you are not a bad parent for saying it.
In Conclusion
Do I believe that there is no merit in not saying no to our kids? No, I don’t. I think that some positive things can be extracted from it. For one, it really makes us think about the way we communicate with our kids and helps us be more mindful of our words. This method encourages us to explore more positive avenues of communication with our children, which is always good.
However, this is not always possible, and the real world doesn’t work that way. It can be challenging for kids as they grow up to realize that they are getting more “no’s”, and “you can’t do that” more often than not.
I am very big on leading with kindness and being your own light, regardless of the darkness that may surround you at times. But this comes from within. It is your approach and mindset to walking your own path and does not depend on outside influences or reactions other people may have toward you.
If you always avoid saying no to your child, they may come to expect this from everyone around them. This is simply impossible.
Nonetheless, we can always do our best at speaking kindly to our children, while at the same time, setting clear boundaries and saying no when necessary.
