Boy mom was a term that had initially been introduced as a form of endearment to refer to moms who only had boys and no daughters. There wasn’t much meaning behind it. It was just something sweet for moms to call themselves if they only had sons.
In recent times, “boy mom” has taken a life of its own and it’s often associated with very negative things. Women have begun to shy away from calling themselves boy moms due to a desire of distancing themselves from the negative connotations this word brings along.
What went wrong?
Being a boy mom meant that you were raising boys, facing boy development challenges, reaching milestones, and relating to other moms in the journey of raising sons. It was about finding the humor in the things that boys do, the way they play, even with each other.
Unfortunately, as everything nice in life, some people take things too far and ruin it for everyone else.
What started as something cute and relatable, morphed into a very slippery slope of toxic behaviors. Some moms began to act in very inappropriate ways towards their sons, acting jealous about any girl that their sons may have a crush on, competing for their son’s attention, and wanting to be number one at all times.
This is not normal or healthy behavior. However, in the modern boy mom wave, it has become the norm.
Disturbing behavior
I remember the first time I was made aware of the toxicity of the new boy moms that were surfacing on social media. It was a video of a high school football player being congratulated by his mom. The mom ran up to her son and jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. To be honest, at the beginning of the video, I thought the mom was his girlfriend. The interaction was very intimate and looked like a romantic relationship. I was horrified when I realized that she was his mother.
Shortly after, a new boy mom trend began taking hold of social media. It was videos of mothers teaching their sons (ages ranging from 11 years to maybe early teens) how to cook. Sweet, right? Well, it would have been if it wasn’t for the rest of it. The moms would then turn to the camera, giving it a hostile and mean look while the captions read “Teaching my son how to cook, so he won’t be impressed by your cheese-sandwich-daughter”. Different videos will insert various simple dishes such as: hot pockets, frozen pizza, etc. The point of the video was to show that they were teaching their sons how to cook for themselves, so they would not be impressed by anything “basic” their future girlfriends could come up with.
These moms were already working on their son’s minds to portray themselves as capable women. While at the same time, competing with their son’s future girlfriends that were not even in the picture.
And who could forget the viral video of this one mom that identified herself as a boy mom. She explained how she had a weak spot for her son, but not for her daughters. She went on to explain that when he would act out or hit his sisters, she would just say that he was having a bad day. Encouraging her daughters to understand that he was just upset. She clearly put her son as a priority over all of her girls.
These are not isolated cases
It would be great to say that these are just a few cases of people that perpetuate this toxic behavior. But it isn’t.
A lot of moms will tell you that when they think of their daughters getting married, they feel excited and actually dream of the day that they’ll get to see their daughters in a wedding dress. They can’t wait to hear the good news of becoming grandmothers and taking care of their daughters throughout their pregnancy.
But when it comes to their sons, well, that’s a whole other story. A lot of moms feel grief and sadness when they think about their sons getting married. They feel as if they are “losing” their son to another woman. Which, to be frank, is not ok and not a healthy mind frame.
The truth is that this is not new. It just has taken us a long time to finally put a name to it.
In 2005, Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez starred in a comedy called Monster-In-Law. It was about a mom that was obsessed with her son (played by Michael Vartan). The son was going to get married and the mom did everything she could to break them apart. Why? Because no one could ever be good enough for her son and she felt threaten by the new girl in her son’s life.
I am sure that many of you reading this, probably have your own stories of terrible mothers-in-law. This is because these issues have always existed but now, people have begun to shine light on this matter and talk about it.
Why is this a problem
Enmeshment
This kind of unhealthy dynamic that the internet boy moms are perpetuating have big consequences. Whether it is done on purpose or unconsciously, they firmly establish an enmeshed relationship with their sons.
Very Well Health says that “In an enmeshed relationship, there is no emotional independence or separation between the parent and child. This can lead to a child’s inability to form individual thoughts and behaviors separate from the parent”.
There is no healthy boundary between mother and son. They turn their children into their emotional support, their confidant, and at times, even their financial crutch. Forcing the son to feel responsible for their mother’s happiness and well-being. The son may feel guilty to make decisions on his own for fear of hurting the mother and “betraying” her by not asking her opinion beforehand.
In a healthy relationship, a mother and son will have a close bond with proper boundaries. When the son grows up, he will look out for his mother out of love and appreciation, not because he has been guilted into doing so. It is normal for children to want to care for their parents once they have reached adulthood. This is completely normal. However, it is important to know the difference between a healthy and unhealthy mother-son dynamic.
Below are a few signs that can help you know if a mother-son relationship has crossed the line between healthy and enmeshment.
Differences between healthy mother-son relationships and unhealthy enmeshment
Healthy
- Motherly love, bonds, and sense of responsibility is based on mutual respect and boundaries
- The mother does not guilt her son into financially helping her or caring for her
- Mothers treat their son’s girlfriend/wife with respect and/or see them as a daughter
- Maintains a healthy amount of phone calls to see how her child is doing
- Maintains a boundary regarding her son’s private life and does not want to know about his sex life
- Close mother-son bonds do not mimic romantic bonds
Unhealthy
- Motherly love and bonds are blurred
- Son may feel pressure from his mother to take care of her and provide financial support
- There are no boundaries and the relationship may lack respect
- Mother competes with son’s girlfriend/wife and feels threatened (might always make comments to show that her son will always choose her, or she is more important)
- Calls her child multiple times a day
- Finds boundaries offensive. Wants to know everything about her son, including his sex life
- Mother-son bonds mimic romantic bonds
When the mother-son relationship is enmeshed, it can be difficult for the child to have a strong sense of self. They might not feel fully independent because they can feel as if they need to run every decision by the mother in order to make sure to have her approval and has made the right choice. Sometimes, the mother might be heavily involved in her son’s life, even into adulthood. The mother might insert herself in all of her son’s plans and relationships.
This only causes confusion and might build resentment from the child towards the mom.
Let’s be different
I only have boys, which by definition is a boy mom. I love my kids and do my best to ensure they grow up in a healthy environment where we strengthen our bonds. However, I do not think this means that I need to be involved in every personal detail of their lives. I am trying to raise men that will be able to stand on their own two feet and make their own families.
Right now, I may have much of their attention, but as they grow older that will begin to change. One day they will fall in love and leave the nest. They will make their own home and their wife and family will be number one. And you know what, that’s exactly the way it should be.
I will always be mom and I will have my place as their mom. I do not need to compete with their wives, nor try to show her “I was here first”. This is not ok.
I know a lot of moms may be thinking that their boys are little and they do not need to think about that yet. To that I would argue, that’s precisely why you need to think about it and prepare your mind. Time flies in the blink of an eye. Your little boy might be 11 today, but tomorrow you open your eyes and 10 more years have gone by.
Now is the best time to learn healthy behaviors and form healthy boundaries.
On a final note
I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with using the term boy mom. However, I understand why many moms have gotten away from calling themselves a boy mom. The toxicity and inappropriate behavior that is being linked to it would make anyone not want to touch it, not even with a 10-foot pole. This is because we might not want to be seen as a mom that has blurred relationship lines with their sons.
Even so, we shouldn’t shy away from enjoying motherhood and sharing our experiences while raising our boys. It’s ok to talk about how adventurous they are, how fearless they can be, and how sweet they are. It is true that many of these things apply to girls as well, but for many boy moms, they do not get to experience raising a daughter. Therefore, they will only share their experiences about raising boys.
It’s ok to talk about where you need to point when changing their diaper, how small the boy section is at retail stores, and the challenges we face when our boys are going through puberty.
Being a boy mom is not a dirty word. At the end of the day, we are just, Moms.
Now, the toxic boy mom, we don’t claim her.
Psss… Being a boy mom doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For us moms who only have boys, raising sons is a beautiful journey. As a boy only mom, I want to share with you 10 Reasons Why Being A Boy Mom Is The Best.
