If you are a mom, I am sure that you are familiar with the terms “mom shaming”, “mommy wars”, and others alike. At some point, every mom will have experienced mom shaming. Someone is bound to make a comment that is meant to make you feel inadequate in comparison to them. Or in the very least, make you feel like the choices you are making for your child are not good enough.
You would think that by 2024 we would have gotten over this, but if anything, it has become more widespread and intensified.
What do I mean by this?
Before we go on, we need to clarify what Mom shaming is.
What is mom shaming?
In simple terms, it’s when people judge mothers for their parenting choices. It can come from other mothers or even childless people. They may dish out harsh criticism or simply give funny looks to the targeted person.
This will leave the mom in question feeling hurt and insecure. Probably even feeling embarrassed about her parenting style and choices.
How does mom shaming look like?
Mom shaming takes different shapes and forms. This is how it can look like:
- Smirks
- Eye rolls
- Judging looks
- Harsh criticism
- Saying things like:
“I would never do that”
“You let your child do X thing?” (In a judging tone)
“I would never let my child eat that” (It implies that the mother does not care about her child’s nutrition)
- Commenting on the appearance of mom and/or child in a passive aggressive way (Not coming from a place of love or concern)
A lot of mom shaming is also very insidious. It’s not always done outright, which will allow to create a clear victim and aggressor role. It’s done carefully, allowing for the person who is mom shaming to have the option of backtracking by saying that “they didn’t mean it like that” or that the mom is being “too sensitive”.
Mom shaming is often very hurtful and leaves the targeted person feeling uneasy.
What do people mom shame about?
Everything.
That’s the straight answer. Now let’s go deeper.
The mom shaming list of sins (as I call them) can be endless, it all depends on the views of the one that’s dishing it. Below is a chart of the main suspects (in no specific order).
| Top Mom Shaming List of Sins | |
| Stay At Home Mom | Working Mom |
| Breast Feeding | Formula Feeding |
| Non-organic Produce & products | All Organic |
| Pro Vaccine | Anti-Vaxxer |
| Science Based Medicine | Holistic Medicine |
| Ok with screens | No screen time |
| Ok with pacifiers | No pacifiers |
| OK with Juice and candy | No juice and no candy |
| Co-sleeping | No co-sleeping |
| No cry it out method | Cry it out method is the way to go |
| Ok with store brand baby food | Only homemade baby food |
| Body “bounced back” after birth | Body didn’t “bounce back” after birth |
And the list can go on forever. People find all sorts of things to disagree on and shame mothers about. You see, it doesn’t matter what approach you take on parenthood, there will always be someone that will disagree with you. This is not necessarily a bad thing. We can all have different opinions and approaches to parenting. It doesn’t mean that only one approach is right.
I know that right now, as you took a look at the list above, you also raised an eyebrow at some of the parenting choices mentioned. You probably thought to yourself that some of them were the wrong way or straight out irresponsible.
This is human nature and does not make you a bad person. As long as you know when it could become unproductive and turn into mom shaming.
Where is the boundary?
It lies in your ability to keep your inner voice, well, inside. There is nothing wrong in disagreeing with someone’s point of view, or consciously making an effort not to do things in a way that you feel will not yield the best results for you and your family. The key is in being respectful.
To explain this further, let’s use the hottest topic in mom shaming history as an example. Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) VS Working Mom.
Ever since the feminist movement took off and women were allowed to freely join the work force and reach high levels of education, this has become the biggest division among women. SAHMS feel that they are doing the greatest work there could be by raising their children full-time, while setting an example on hard work and traditional family values. On the other hand, Working Moms feel that they are setting the best example for their children, by showing them a strong work ethic and providing them with the best life possible. While at the same time, raising their children and chasing their own dreams.
This is the gist of both sides of the argument. Each one feels that their way is the best way to parent. Which in turn, results in a lot of judgement for the choices that the other party is making.
This is exactly the problem.
Why are we, as a society, so obsessed in determining who is superior?
The truth is that none of these approaches are wrong. They are both right. They both provide benefits for their family. As far as which one works best, that will depend on the specific needs of every family.
This is why the boundary should be drawn when we stop being respectful of each other’s choices. Just because the parenting style of someone doesn’t align with our views, doesn’t make it ok to go on a shaming trip against other moms that are just trying to do what’s best for their families and themselves.
Why people resort to Mom Shaming
Mental Help says that “People shame one another because shaming is an effective way of gaining power over others and altering and shaping their behavior. Shame communicates who is outcast and who is elite; who is one-down and who is one-up”.
Sadly, it simply comes down to this. People resort to shaming because they want to push their views onto others. It’s a power tactic to elevate oneself at the expense of diminishing others. It also sets the standard of who is a better mom.
I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I have never thought to myself that “I may not be perfect, but at least I am not doing that”. The truth is that I have also said out loud “I would never do that”. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t.
However, there is a difference in having those thoughts and having strong opinions that you hold dear about parenting, and mom shaming. One intends to hurt and undermine.
It’s ok to have an opinion as long as you don’t make it a point to voice it to other people with the purpose of putting them down.
Ultimately, people mom shame because it makes them feel better about themselves. It comes from a self-righteous place. Even though this is a human tendency, we must do our best to lead with kindness and avoid falling into this behavior.
Who does mom shaming affect the most?
Mom shaming affects all moms. It can be hurtful, and at times hard to navigate, when you feel that your choices as a parent are being judged and deemed to be not up to par. Moms are already hard on themselves and they don’t need the extra pressure.
However, this is especially damaging to new moms. As we all know, when we are first time moms, there’s a feeling of uncertainty and unpreparedness. Motherhood is all new and we are figuring things out as we go. That kind of criticism just hits differently because it catches us at our most vulnerable time.
First time moms are new at the motherhood gig. This is their first go around. They are starting to settle in on their new roles as moms. Making mom shaming comments is one of the things that can shake their confidence and make them question themselves.
Related post: To the First-Time Mom
What to do if you’re feeling down because of mom shaming
The answer is simple, it’s just easier said than done. If you are being targeted by mom shaming, the best thing you can do is to ignore it. Remind yourself of the reasons why you have chosen your parenting style and how it aligns with your values.
If the mom shaming is continuous, then your only choice might be to stand up to the person who is shaming you and set a boundary. You can make it clear that their comments are not appreciated and that you wish they would drop it. Sometimes, taking the higher road does not work and your only choice will be to tackle it head on.
Do not confuse mom shaming with real concern
There might be times when the people that love you might bring to your attention something that concerns them. This does not mean that they are shaming you. Someone that truly loves you and is looking out for your best interest, will never try to hurt you. Your loved ones will use kind words and will do their best not to upset you. The goal is to help you improve or do better in an area that you might have a blind spot in.
A person that is shaming you does not care about your well-being. They just want to make a point of how their way is the best and only way of doing things. They aim to make you feel inferior to them and pressure you into adopting their views. At the end of the interaction, you will be left feeling bad about yourself, uneasy, and hurt.
You will know who has your best interest at heart and who is putting you down to make themselves feel better.
It’s now harder than ever to escape mom shaming
Mom shaming has always existed. People have always had something to say about the way that a mom chooses to parent. However, this new era of technology has facilitated the spread and reach of mom shaming.
The internet is playing a vital role in reaching moms all over the world. Social media being the most prominent. Everyone seems to have an opinion on what parenting should look like and they have no restraints when it comes to targeting people that do not share their views. It can get ugly and their opinions may be packed with contempt.
Nowadays, even uploading a video of a child jumping in puddles of water after the rain is over, will elicit a mob of people to leave hateful comments. They will say things like “the water in the street is dirty, your child is going to get sick” or “eww, mother of the year letting their child play in a dirty puddle”. It’s appalling how far people will go online.
I remember seeing a post not too long ago of a celebrity that had recently had a baby. She was so excited to finally have her child after years of infertility. So, she shared a post with a picture of her baby.
Do you know what happened? The internet ripped her apart. They nitpicked at everything, even went as far as calling her baby ugly. I cannot even image how she must’ve felt.
Sadly, this is the reality in which we live.
In conclusion
Mom shaming will always be around. As long as there are people that seek validation by putting others down, and people that cannot be respectful of other people’s choices. Shaming others will be thriving; alive and well.
The pressure will always be there. It’s human nature to want others to agree with us and share our views. This is why we have different communities, and we tend to get closer with people that share similar mind sets. I personally think this is the beauty of life. We are all different. We do not need to be carbon copies of each other. It’s ok to have different interests and ways of approaching life.
The one thing that we should all have in common is RESPECT. We do not need to share the same values or be like minded in order to respect each other. It’s ok to not agree with the parenting style of another person, but you do have to respect them.
So, if you ever catch yourself thinking “I would never do that”, do not feel bad. You are not a bad person. It’s what you do with that thought that matters.
Let’s choose to elevate and support each other. At the end of the day, we are all moms just trying to do what’s best for our kids. In that, we can all agree.
[…] Related: Why Mom Shaming Will Never Die […]