Why It’s A Great Thing That Your Child Wants To Talk Back To You

I know what you are thinking: “What? Absolutely not. This will never be ok in my book!”

When we hear the term “talking back”, we immediately associate it with children being disrespectful and unruly. Perhaps it’s because most of the time, it tends to go in that direction. However, talking back doesn’t always have to be a negative thing.

What do I mean?

Talking back is essentially a rebuttal or inquiry from the child to the parent. Many parents take any follow up questions as a form of disrespect. It is expected that once they give their child an order, it must be done without question.

But the truth is that as children get older, they will develop their critical thinking skills and it becomes inevitable that they have questions and even disagree with their parents. Although you should never condone or encourage your child to be disrespectful toward you and defy your rules, you should encourage open communication where they can feel comfortable asking questions and expressing themselves. In this post, I will be referring to talking back in this mind-frame.

Are they asking questions to understand or deliberately being disrespectful?

It’s very important to determine what is the reason they have decided to talk back to you. Many times, the child is not trying to be disrespectful, they are just trying to understand the reason they are not allowed to do something, or why they have to do things in a certain way. There will also be times when they might be asking questions because they simply disagree or do not want to do what is being asked of them.

This is normal. It’s all part of growing up. I think for most of us that were young children and teenagers at one point in our lives, can relate to this. We thought we knew better or simply wanted to understand why our parents had set certain rules.

Try to figure out why your child is suddenly asking questions or resisting, as opposed to just immediately assuming they are trying to go over your head.  It will surprise you to see that when they understand the reasoning behind things, they are more willing to follow the rules (whether they agree with them or not).

You might be interested in reading this article from Anchor Light Therapy on Kids Talking Back – Why & How To Stop It. It gives more in-depth insight on the reasons why your child might be talking back disrespectfully, what it means, and what can you do to fix it.

Why it is a good thing that they talk back

1. It means that they trust you

If your child feels comfortable to voice their opinions and concerns with you, it means that they trust you. They feel safe with you and that’s why they can be open with you.

Children may not always use all of the right words, and sometimes, may even express themselves in a way that comes off as a bit crass. In situations like that, nudge them into the right direction and explain to them what is the right way to address you. But do not hyperfocus in the delivery (if they weren’t deliberately being disrespectful), instead, address their questions.

Trust is hard to gain, the fact that you already have it, is something to be proud of and happy about.

2. You’ve created an environment for open communication

Every parent knows that this is worth its weight in gold.  This is a very good thing. It means that your child is receptive to what you have to say, while at the same time, is feeling heard.

When children feel heard and that their opinions matter, they are more open to listening to their parents. Even when they might not get their way, they will still adhere to their parents’ rules. This is because they will never feel dismissed.

It’s ok to validate and acknowledge their feelings and thoughts. If possible, a lot of parents will be willing to come to a happy medium on some things. This may not always happen, but the child will know that their parents take into account their opinions. Therefore, creating a safe space with good communication.

3. It’s an open window to their thoughts

Instead of focusing on the child talking back, pay attention to their rebuttal to understand them better. They may not possess the tools to articulate their thoughts correctly. As adults, it is our responsibility to make sure we teach them the appropriate way to express their feelings and thoughts. Whether they are feelings of anger or disappointment, your child is just trying to tell you how they are feeling.

If their reaction is inappropriate, redirect and de-escalate. There is nothing wrong in implementing consequences for their bad actions (if things got out of hand like the child screaming, hitting, yelling profanities, etc.), but your goal should not only be to discipline, but to understand why it happened in the first place.

4. It’s an opportunity

When they talk back, it opens an avenue of communication. It can be annoying and irritating, but reframing our view may be helpful. If we look at it as an opportunity to communicate with our kids and come to an understanding, it will be much more beneficial.

You want your kids to understand why you are telling them something. Keep in mind that kids that feel heard are more likely to listen and follow the household rules. If your approach is only “my way or the highway”, your children will master the skill of being sneaky. They may appear like they are following your rules, while in reality, they are just doing it on the down low.

What to watch out for

Make sure that there’s a clear boundary. Good communication and a close relationship are not equivalent to blurred lines where the child feels they can walk over their parents. There has to be a clear line of respect and roles in the family. Even though we want to encourage open communication, this does not mean they can address you in a disrespectful way.

It needs to be clear that you are their parent, not their best friend from school. They need to follow the rules and know that there would be consequences if they don’t adhere to them.

How do you set a boundary?

1. Set clear rules

Just because you are doing your best to keep open communication and understanding of your children, doesn’t mean that you should not have rules. Or worse, that your rules can be overlooked and ignored.

Children thrive in an environment where clear rules exist, and they know what kind of behavior is expected of them. When your child knows and understands the rules, it’s more likely that they will follow them and not try to fight you on them. This is because your children will know why the rules have been set in place and you have given them a chance to talk about them and voice their questions and concerns.

2. Don’t forget about discipline

Although it’s great that your child feels comfortable to talk back when they have a question or do not understand the reasoning behind a decision that you have made, it doesn’t mean that they can treat you in any way they wish. If they are purposely being disrespectful, yell at you, say profanities to you, or go as far as to hit, then it’s time for you to take action.

Remember, trying to create a safe environment for open communication doesn’t equate to being your child’s punching bag. You can be understanding but clear boundaries and rules need to exist to make it work. When the child behaves inappropriately, consequences must follow accordingly.

Home is the place where children are being prepared for the real world. It should be a place for nurturing and growing. Part of that is teaching them that when we do something wrong, there are consequences that follow. This will teach your child accountability.

To wrap up

We definitely do not want to encourage our children to talk back in a disrespectful way, but we should be encouraging communication. Allow your child to ask questions and even express to you why they do not like a household rule. You might not always agree on adjusting a rule, but perhaps, after hearing them out, you might make some adjustments to reach a happy medium when possible.

The point is to ensure that your child feels heard and making it safe for them to voice their thoughts. Doing this will improve your communication, and as a result, you will have children that are more willing to listen and follow directions.

Psss… You might be interested in reading How to better understand your children at any age.