Picture this: After many months of waiting, you are finally giving birth. You have imagined this moment countless times. First time meeting your baby, seeing their little face, smelling their head, and holding them close to your chest. You just know that it’s going to be love at first sight.
Then the nurse comes over to you and gently places your baby in your arms. You patiently wait for that Hollywood moment when you are supposed to see hearts and shimmering lights eradiating from your baby’s face… but nothing happens.
There’s no rush of emotion, no overwhelming attachment. You look at your baby and just don’t feel bonded. You probably start thinking that there’s something wrong with you or that you are a horrible mother. You might feel ashamed to even bring it up and tell other people that you just don’t feel that Hollywood love you always expected to feel.
Does any of this sound familiar?
If this sounds familiar to you, please know, you are not any of those horrible things that are going through your mind. A lot of moms experience these same feelings, it is not abnormal.
Not feeling bonded to your baby right away, doesn’t mean that you don’t love them and are not going to protect them.
Why is this happening?
There are a lot of factors that could come into play. These may be some of them:
- Post birth, your body goes through a sudden drop of hormones. It is even normal to feel “not like yourself” after giving birth. This may also be a contributing factor in not feeling immediately bonded to your baby
- Maybe you had a complicated birth and it’s affecting your emotional and mental state at the moment
- You might be exhibiting signs of post-partum depression (if you feel very detached from your baby, talk with a trusted person and talk to your doctor about it)
- You just need more time to get to know your baby
- You may be struggling with your mental health and/or personal problems at the moment
If this is happening to you, remember this
1. It’s normal not to
I know that we always have an expectation of how that moment is going to be when we first see our baby. Many people think that they will cry tears of joy when they see their baby for the first time, but the tears never come, just smiles.
You do not need to react a certain way to prove to yourself (or anyone else) that you are happily welcoming your child into this world.
Keep in mind that these numbers might be higher since this is a subject that many parents are not willing to talk about for fear of being judged.
2. You might just need a little time
You are just meeting them for the first time, and on top of that, your body has just been through a lot. Give yourself some grace. Your body is unwinding from the stress of delivery and trying to settle down. Bonding with your baby will come sooner than you think.
Your bond will grow stronger with time and the more you get to know each other. The bond will strengthen with every feeding, every diaper change, and every time your baby looks up at you.
Unlike movies, life is messy and doesn’t always go as the director had planned. There are a lot of things that will surprise you as time goes on. You will change and evolve. Don’t place harsh expectations on yourself of how things are “supposed to be” because life just “is”. Roll with it and just do the best you can.
3. You are not a bad mom
Just because you did not have the start that you had envisioned, doesn’t mean that you are or will be a bad mom. This means nothing when it comes to your parenting and the mother that you will be.
You just grew a whole human being in your body! I think it’s more than normal to need a moment to catch your breath.
Keep in mind, that even though you don’t feel that bond yet, you are still caring for your child and showing them love. I am sure that you are on top of their needs and looking out for them. This is because you ARE a good mom. Don’t cut yourself short.
4. You love your baby
You have loved your baby from the moment you found out that you were expecting. You did your prenatal care, took your vitamins, and even though it was hard, you avoided sushi and alcohol with all your might.
You made sure no one bumped into your belly and caressed it in hopes that your baby would feel your love. At times, you probably rubbed on your belly unconsciously because it became a natural habit. Now that your baby is here, that love is ever so present. You show it every second you look after your baby.
Your hormones and mind are playing a huge part in how you are feeling. But this shall pass. In the meantime, take lots of pictures of your baby, with your baby, and family pictures. You want to have those memories to look back to and show your child when they are older.
And you know what else, your baby does not know, nor will they remember this time. The only thing that they will know without a doubt is that their mommy loves them, and they have always felt safe with you.
So, don’t feel guilty.
What if my feelings feel more serious and harder to manage?
If you are feeling an overwhelming detachment to your baby, to the point that you would rather not even hold them, you might need a little bit of help. You might be struggling with post-partum depression. If this is the case, you will need a doctor’s help so you can feel better.
Please know that this is in no way your fault and you have done nothing wrong. Even if you feel like you don’t have any feelings for your baby, this is not true. Just like a cold needs to get treated so you can feel better and breathe without a clogged nose, post-partum depression needs to be treated for you to feel better and start feeling like yourself again.
This does not make you a bad mom or any of the other things that might cross your mind. It just makes you human.
Everything will be ok
Feeling like this may be a bit scary and make us question ourselves. After all, aren’t moms just supposed to fall head over heels in love with their babies at first sight? No, not always. And this is not even true about a lot of moms. As a matter of fact, many moms are just glad that their babies were born ok and look forward to going to sleep.
There’s no specific way you are supposed to react when you first meet your baby. There’s also no set time on when you are supposed to feel bonded with your baby.
One thing is true, you are already bonded with your child. Those bonds began to form the moment you found out you were pregnant. You will feel it sooner than you think, and when you do, it’s going to be the sweetest feeling in the world.
Psss… You might be interested in reading 12 Things You Should Expect When Giving Birth.
[…] Related post: What If You Are Not Bonding with Your Baby Right Away. […]