A Mom wears so many hats daily. She is a provider, homemaker, chef, doctor, teacher, adviser, and everything else in between. She wakes up early and goes to sleep late, has breakfast, lunch, and dinner always on time, helps with homework every day, cleans every scrape, and kisses every boo-boo.
Fulfilling so many roles can be all-consuming at times. Some days there are not enough hours in the day to do it all. But somehow, Moms manage to finish everything on time.
This is why every mom IS a Super Mom.
Moms are strong and resilient. They make everything look easy. They take care of the children, care for the home, plan family activities, organize everyone’s schedule, show up to every appointment, and clean up every mess. Watching a mom juggle everything so masterfully, is almost like watching a perfectly coordinated dance. They do it with grace and everything is always on time.
However, once a woman becomes a mom, it can sometimes feel as if their purpose is dedicated to their role as mom, and the woman in her begins to be neglected. This is when many moms begin to feel lost in motherhood.
Who is the Mom who may feel lost?
The mom that you see smiling while playing with their child at the playground, the one that reads to their children every night, the mom who has been wearing the same shirt for the 3rd time in a row, and the mom who always looks picture perfect.
These are the everyday moms who feel they have lost themselves in their role as mothers.
It is not unusual for mothers to feel a little (or completely) lost within their parenting role. Sometimes it may feel as if every choice, every move, every decision, is directly tied to our children. This can make us feel as if our existence has become just being mom.
Becoming a parent involves sacrifice, no matter how you dice it. Your children will take priority in many of the choices you make. Sometimes, your needs will be pushed to the back burner for the well-being of your children.
Being a mother requires a certain level of selflessness. For those who being selfless comes naturally, it can become second nature to put themselves last and care for their loved ones first. This is when the risk of forgetting about themselves comes in. Therefore, losing themselves to motherhood.
How it happens
It is not a conscious decision. It’s something that happens gradually. As we settle into our new role, we slowly begin to change. We mind our words around our children, we censor the type of conversations we have around them, and even our entertainment begins to change. We make sure that things are child-friendly so that our children are not exposed to things that are inappropriate for their age.
You might turn on the TV and put Bluey on. Only to realize that your kids are napping and you can watch another show.
Have you ever put on cartoons for your children to watch, just to end up being the one who is most invested in the entire episode? I know I have. Most parents have experienced this exact thing. We end up being interested in seeing where the story is going to go, even more than our kids!
Even though this is normal and a funny shared parenting experience, it shows how easy it is to stop doing things for ourselves and just go with our kid’s interests. This may also be a result of being tired and not having enough energy to go out of our way and plan one more thing just for us.
What some people think
Some people think that the mom who lost herself is someone who has nothing else going on in her life. It is assumed that only Stay-At-Home-Moms (SAHMs) struggle with this because their lives revolve around their children and the home.
This could not be further from the truth. Although SAHMs may indeed feel this way, all moms might struggle with feeling lost. Caring for our children and thinking about what’s best for them, becomes the center of all of our decisions and the way in which we lead our lives.
Moms who feel that they have lost themselves in the role of mothers are educated, smart, and talented women. They are strong and self-sufficient. Perhaps this is the reason why some may believe that it cannot be that hard. Because they do not share their struggles and how hard it is to balance it all. They have a quiet strength that can only be known to those who have experienced it themselves.
How it may look
As rewarding as Motherhood is, it can also be consuming. You may forget who you used to be before you had children. Sometimes you may miss some parts of your old life, and now, when you look in the mirror, you may not recognize who is staring back at you.
Sometimes the things you miss or that have changed are not necessarily drastic. It could be little details about yourself that were left behind; but were part of you nonetheless.
Before I had kids, I used to love chandelier-style earrings. But after I became a mom, I ditched them. Every parent is familiar with the “baby’s iron fist”. You do not want your hair caught in their grasp, much less your ear being tugged into oblivion because they got a hold of your earring.
I never gave this much thought. Until one day, I was looking at old pictures and saw myself with my favorite pair of chandelier earrings. It was a reminder of the little things that used to make me…well, me.
This small change began out of self-ear-preservation, but in time, I simply outgrew it. On the other hand, I’ve always loved journaling but had to stop because I didn’t have the time (or energy) to sit down and write. Now my kids are bigger and I have a little more time for myself. Now I write and have fully immersed myself in gardening.
If you feel that there are parts of you that have been lost, get them back. Or perhaps, start something new. Feeling connected and in tune with yourself will remind you of you who are and what lights the fire in you.
7 Ideas on how to reconnect with yourself
1. Old pictures
Take time to remember who you used to be. Look at yourself in old pictures and videos. Remind yourself of the things you used to wear, how you liked your hair, and what accessories you couldn’t live without.
You might discover some things you have been missing, or you might surprise yourself to see how much you have grown and changed from the person you are looking at in your mementos.
2. Look back on what you used to love to do
What were your hobbies? How did you use to have fun? Think about the things that used to get your adrenaline pumping and that used to make you happy.
Is there anything you would like to try again? Or was there something you always wanted to do and now you can?
If you realize that there are some things that you have been missing, it is never too late to start them once again.
3. Seek out your friends
Do not isolate yourself. Seek out your friends, get together for lunch, or to have some drinks. It’s important that you spend time with people you love and trust, as well as having adult conversations and interactions.
Have regular girls’ nights to unwind and have fun. Go out on walks or just get together for coffee. It doesn’t matter how big or small the activity is, what matters is that you are spending time doing things that you enjoy with people that get you and support you.
4. Find and stay connected with your village
Ever heard the saying “It takes a village to raise children”? It is important that you have people in your life who support you and understand you. A village is a group of people that are on your corner and are there to help you at all times. There is mutual trust, love, and respect.
Do your best to stay connected with the people that get you.
Make friends with other parents too. You can exchange ideas and get really good advice from parents that are going through the same parenting hurdles that you are facing. They may offer great solutions to worries that you may have.
What’s more, they understand what is like to raise children. When you find your people, it will be refreshing to openly share your thoughts without being worried of being judged. This is because they will know and understand where you are coming from.
Related: 5 Reasons Why You Need A Tribe To Be A Happier And Better Parent
5. Prioritize Me-Time
You are not a selfish person or a bad mom for prioritizing yourself at times. Take time to do things just for yourself. Go get your nails done, or sit at a café to read a book while sipping on your favorite latte.
Do something that you enjoy and refreshes you.
Remember, motherhood is not a sprint, is a marathon. This is a lifelong gig; you don’t want to burn yourself out.
Related: How To Survive Mom Burnout
6. Start a Hobby
Whether it is an old or a new one, start a hobby. Find something that you like, that is fun, and that brings you joy. Doing something that brings you peace is also great for your mental health.
Here are some ideas:
- Coloring
- Gardening
- Knitting
- Painting
- Bird watching
- Cooking
- Baking
- Hiking
- Dance
- Photography
Hobbies are important because they help heal our minds, unleash our creativity, give us a sense of accomplishment, and allow our minds to be at peace. They help reduce stress and anxiety, while at the same time, growing your confidence as you gain more experience.
7. Say goodbye to your old self and embrace the new you
If you need to, give yourself time to mourn who you used to be. It’s ok to look back and feel a little sad that you have moved on in your life and had to leave some things behind.
After you have finished reminiscing, embrace who you have become. Take time to see how far you’ve come and how much you have grown.
Take a moment to really take in all the blessings that have come your way and to practice gratefulness for the family that you have built for yourself.
It’s ok to change. There is no growth without it.
So, take a moment to say goodbye to your old self, and then move on to embrace the new you.
In Conclusion
The truth is that moms are never truly lost in their motherhood. It’s just that things change rapidly and require our full attention. Most of the time, moms are just tired, busy, and it can be hard to make time for themselves.
They have changed and grown.
Now, I say this to the mom that may feel a little lost:
This change is not a bad thing. There are parts of you that have evolved and grown up. I am sure that there are a lot of things that you used to do before becoming a mom that do not even interest you anymore. And it may have nothing to do with parenthood. You just outgrew them.
However, if you realize that there are parts of you that were left behind and you miss them, retrieve them, and make them yours once more. Being a mom doesn’t mean that you no longer matter.
Do things for you, things that make you happy.
You and your family will be better and happier for it.
