For a lot of moms, being a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM) is a huge blessing. Even though it sometimes comes with a lot of personal and financial sacrifice, it is a lifestyle that many moms would not trade for the world.
It is not always a life shrouded in luxury, but one that is worthwhile living. You can find so many posts of moms sharing their experiences as SAHMs and why they are so grateful for always being available to their kids. I, myself, have a post sharing some of the benefits of being a SAHM.
It is extremely rewarding to be with your children and be there for any situation that may arise.
However, everything is not peaches and rainbows. There is a side of being a SAHM that is not usually discussed. But that is a reality that comes hand in hand when choosing this way of living.
I have written a previous post about the Reality of Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom that covered a more light-hearted reality of SAHMs. This is why I wanted to write about the parts that are not always talked about but are ever so present, nonetheless.
8 Things no one tells you about being a SAHM
1. Lose self-worth
This is a big one and it’s not due to being weak. Society will determine your value depending on the career or position that you hold. Being a SAHM holds little to no value in today’s society. This is a hard truth and sad reality that a lot of women are not prepared to face or accept once they begin to stay home.
This can quickly begin to eat at self-esteem and lead to a path of depression. The general opinion can weigh heavily on the minds of a lot of moms and make them feel worthless.
It can be hard to focus on the value that you hold when everyone around you makes you feel as if you are doing nothing of substance and letting your skills “go to waste”.
2. Loved ones may begin to act differently toward you
Suddenly, there is a shift. It may be hard to pinpoint at first, and you may even begin to wonder if you are just imagining things. But the truth is that a lot of people close to you will change. You might begin to experience comments such as “It must be nice to stay home and relax”, “Well, now that you don’t work, maybe you can do this for me”, “When are you going to get a job?”, or “Is that the example you want to set for your kids?”.
People can be ruthless and openly show their disapproval of your life choice. This can be painful and difficult to manage. Especially, since sometimes such comments are made under the guise of love and concern for you and your family’s future.
To be fair, sometimes these comments may come from a genuine place of concern, but many times, some people will use it as an opportunity to chastise your choices for not choosing a more lucrative and prominent lifestyle.
3. People lose respect for you
If you are SAHM, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. When you were working outside of your home, people would praise you for being hard-working and acknowledge your brains.
But as soon as you decided to stay at home to raise your children, those same people that used to talk to you respectfully, suddenly began to look down on you. And this is not something that is imagined or exaggerated. It’s real.
Many people will no longer treat you as someone smart or hard-working. Now you have become “kept”, lazy, and do not know how the “real world works”, or “how hard having a job is”. This goes hand in hand with people scratching their heads trying to figure out why on earth you would leave your job or pause your career to be “at home”.
You will no longer be looked at as an equal but as someone below their station. As old-fashioned as that may sound, it’s exactly what happens.
4. Some people will assume you are not educated
Not everyone will assume this, but many will. It is unimaginable for people to believe that someone with a degree and an education will opt out of pursuing it or from making their contributions to society.
If it’s their first time meeting you, once they learn that you are a SAHM, they no longer think that you are educated or smart. They will automatically assume that you will have nothing of substance to add to the conversations.
This is why you would see the surprised faces of people when they learn that you have a degree as well as experience in your field.
5. Invisible labor
Although is widely known that the pendulum always tilts more toward women when it comes to domestic labor, even if both she and her partner work full-time jobs, once you become a SAHM all of the domestic work will be yours.
It becomes your job to maintain the house and to care for the children. This means laundry, cooking, cleaning dishes, bath time, and everything else that is required for the upkeeping of a home.
No matter how spotless you maintain your house, or how busy you are with your children’s activities, it will fall under invincible labor. No one will see all the things that you are doing every day and will often just think that you are resting all day.
And when there are moments when your husband or partner takes on a chore, it will be seen as “help”. You will not have a break or get a vacation since it will be perceived as you live on “perpetual vacation”.
Now, not every husband will be this way. Some husbands acknowledge their wives’ contributions and understand how time-consuming all the household tasks are, but not all women are so lucky.
6. It’s scary
Especially for women who have always had an independent spirit and have worked hard to build a life for themselves. It is very scary to put your life in the hands of someone else, no matter how much you love each other. It is also nerve-wracking to think about the employment gap that will be in your resume once you rejoin the workforce.
You may be thinking to yourself, “Then they shouldn’t pause their careers”. In a black and white world, you would be correct, but it is not that simple. For a lot of women, they do not mind leaving their careers and staying home with their children. Many times, this may come with a financial hit that will require them to live a much simpler life, but it is worth it.
This is why they put their trust in their husband to provide for and protect the family. However, this is a double-edged sword. Should the relationship go sour, they will need to figure out how to start over in order to take care of herself and her children.
7. It can become a trap
Being a SAHM puts women in a very vulnerable position. Being dependent on another person could inhibit them from having financial freedom if their spouse were to turn on them. This can be very dangerous.
A lot of women have found themselves in abusive relationships and are unable to escape since their spouse holds all of their finances. This may leave them trapped in the marriage, unable to escape out of fear of being caught or putting their children in danger.
Not everyone is blessed to be with a good man that will truly cherish them and respect them. This is why making this decision needs to be well thought out and after observing your spouse, analyzing their character for a good amount of time (preferably a few years). And even then, there are no assurances that things will go well.
8. Not everyone should do it
This is not a life for everyone. You might have to lead a humbler lifestyle and probably give up a lot of things you used to do to treat yourself. You will have to take on a much more domestic role and be known just as Mom.
Furthermore, if you are considering becoming a Stay-At-Home-Mom here are some questions you need to ask yourself:
- Have I known my partner for a long time and have had the chance to know his true character?
- How is my partner during stressful situations or when he’s angry?
- Am I in a safe situation to do so?
- Do I have a plan B if things don’t work out with my partner?
- Do I have access to money in case I need to leave?
- Do I have experience in any trade or a career to fall back on?
These are important questions that you need to have the answer to. Remember, when things are new and people are in love, everything is perfect. The problem comes as time goes by and that sense of newness begins to fade.
To wrap up
I am a SAHM and have been blessed to have a wonderful, loving, and supportive husband. If I went back in time and had to decide whether to stay home or continue working outside of my home, I would choose to stay home with my kids every time. These have been amazing, precious years that will never return, and I have had the chance to live it with them without missing a beat.
But this is not the reality for everyone. Many women have suffered abuse and much hardship for trusting someone who appeared great until they weren’t.
This is why so many women are advised never to forfeit their financial independence and to learn a trade or build a career that they can fall back on. Unfortunately, we live in a scary world where women are often the victims of so much inequality, unfairness, and exploitation.
This is why women must be safe and decide carefully if they wish to become a SAHM.
With this, I am not trying to steer anyone away from becoming a SAHM. I think it’s a very fulfilling decision that will benefit your kids greatly. What I am saying is that before making this decision, a lot of things need to be carefully considered to avoid putting yourself in a bad situation that will be detrimental not only for you, but your kids as well.
Being a Stay-At-Home-Mom is beautiful and priceless. But it’s not always the fairytale that it may seem to be.
One thing is certain: regardless of the road you choose in your motherhood journey, you are strong and invaluable.
