“Should I let my child quit?” Have you ever asked yourself this question? Many parents find themselves at this crossroads, torn between encouraging their children to persevere and allowing them to step back. It’s not always an easy decision, especially since most people have been raised to believe that quitting can NEVER be an option.
For many, quitting is highly frowned upon. It is seen as a failure and a sign of weakness. This begs the question, is this true? Should this be the way that we view quitting?
The short answer is that we should not look at quitting this way. It is not a sign of weakness to decide to pivot in a different direction when we realize something is not working. We just need to have a balanced view.
Cultural factor and Grit mentality
Where we are from, our culture, and our life experiences can strongly shape the way in which we view quitting. I was born in the Dominican Republic, to a mom of humble origins and a father who was not wealthy as well. This was the case for a lot of people. Everyone had to study and work hard to better themselves and improve their financial situation.
This story is true for a lot of people around the world. Life was tough and our parents had to fight tooth and nail to make something of themselves. Quitting was not an option since it would jeopardize their entire livelihood.
As a result, they had to persevere and be resilient. You had to have grit. This mentality was passed down to the following generation. It became expected for their children to be high achievers and be successful. Quitting became a synonym for failure.
Glamorized Struggle
The ramification of this grit mentality was the glamorization of struggle. It no longer was an inspirational tale, to teach the younger generations that your fate doesn’t have to be set in stone. You can always better yourself if you work hard and stick to it with your goal in mind.
Instead, it has become something entirely different. Struggling, whether it was financially or emotionally, became a trump card to revoke any argument. There’s a young Cuban Dominican comedian named Marcello Hernandez. He has a hilarious skit that addresses this issue with a comedic touch. In one skit he explains that he could never have a bad day growing up because his mother, who escaped communism, would ask him if “somebody stole your freedom?”.
Although his skit is sure to bring about many laughs, it’s something that is very relatable. As this is not an isolated event. Many parents use their struggles and glamorize them to show how it was necessary to shape them into who they are. Some even feel that it’s necessary for their children to experience the same struggles in order to “appreciate” how good they have it in comparison.
Often, this frame of mind only gets more cemented if the child, once an adult, has gone through difficult challenges that forced them to push forward in order to survive. Therefore, continuing the cycle of the grit mentality.
Something to remember: You do not always need to struggle to be successful, hardworking, or to appreciate what you have.
Does that mean perseverance shouldn’t be encouraged?
Absolutely not!
You should always encourage your children to be determined and finish what they start…when possible. You see, teaching your children perseverance is a lifetime gift that you will bestow on them. In the real world, things do not come easily to anyone. You have to work hard, sometimes for years without seeing any results before you can finally see the fruits of your labor. This is why hard work is so rewarding because once you succeed, it tastes that much sweeter.
However, this does not mean they have to stay attached to a sinking ship or remain in a situation that makes them unhappy just for the sake of persevering.
The key lies in having a realistic and honest balance. As well as carefully considering all the facts and factors before determining if it’s time to call it quits.
4 things to consider before deciding if it’s time to quit
1. The reason why they want to quit
Your first step should be to ask your child why they want to quit. This should reveal the root of their lack of interest. Perhaps, the problem may be that they were never interested and were only doing it because you wanted them to. On the other hand, it could be that things turned out to be different from what they were hoping, and realized that they did not like it.
Either way, this will point you in the right direction once you know why they want to quit.
2. Are they in this activity because YOU want them to?
If they have zero interest in participating in the activity and feel as if they are being forced to, then it will be pretty tough to get them to be enthusiastic about it. Evaluate the reasons why you decided on signing them up and decide if it might be more beneficial to sign them up for something they are interested in for themselves.
Perhaps you chose this activity to help them release their energy in a healthy way, to learn a useful skill, or to make sure they are in a safe and supervised space while you work. It will be good to discuss your reasons with your child (age appropriate of course). You can come to a mutual understanding of why this is important. Your child might be more inclined to drop the resistance once they understand why you think it necessary.
3. Why not encourage their interest instead?
Your child will be more invested and willing to participate if it’s something that interests them. It is worth considering signing them up for something that they are passionate about, even if it’s something that you probably wouldn’t have chosen yourself.
Always keep in mind that, even though parents are there to guide their children, we cannot live their lives for them or attempt to live vicariously through them. They should have some level of autonomy and be able to make some choices regarding the extracurricular activity they want to pursue. Allow them the opportunity to discover their interests and flourish in their field of interest.
4. How it’s affecting your child
Pay attention to determine if their behavior has begun to change. Do they seem down, unmotivated, irritated, beginning to pull away from the family, changes in eating habits (eating too much or too little), or lashing out for the smallest thing?
If you have noticed that your child is changing for the worse ever since they started a new program, then maybe is time to reevaluate.
Talk to your child to find out if there is anything going on that is making them feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe. It is possible that someone might be bullying them or something more dangerous might be afoot.
Do not invalidate their feelings. This could lead to your child shutting down and causing their mental health to decline rapidly.
So, when should I push them to stick with it?
If the reason why they want to quit is because it’s hard and they think they stink at it.
Encourage them to give it a real shot and try their best. Explain to them that no one is perfect when trying something for the first time. Everyone has to learn and make lots of mistakes before they become a pro at it.
Use real-life examples of people in areas that they like. You can use professional athletes or performers, to name a few. Explain how they all have to practice and train to be so good at what they do, and how even with so much practice, they still make mistakes from time to time.
It’s not something to be ashamed of or a reason to throw the towel at the starting point. If they give it time and work hard, they will improve. Consistency is key.
Come to a compromise
If your child seems determined to quit and is eager to stop, consider whether you can come to a compromise. You could suggest a trial period—whether it’s a few weeks or a time frame you think is appropriate—where you and your child agree they will give it their best effort. Then, you can reconvene to see how things are going.
If nothing changes and they continue to be unhappy, you can reassess and decide whether to pull them out and find something else they want to try.
Who knows, during that time, they might discover they like it and have learned new skills, motivating them to continue with the program. On the other hand, if they truly aren’t interested, that’s also great news. This will prevent you from wasting time, money, and energy on a fruitless endeavor, allowing you to better spend your resources on something more fruitful.
A word of warning
Do not force your child to do an activity they hate and are not interested in. This can cause your child to grow resentful of you and the activity. It can also create a negative association with the activity, causing the child to avoid it, even in adulthood.
Many people experience this when growing up. Perhaps their parents forced them to play sports, learn an instrument, or take classes in a foreign language. Even though those activities aren’t inherently bad, the child may strongly reject them and have no interest in learning throughout their lives.
We want to avoid creating unnecessary trauma by forcing them into things they strongly refuse.
In conclusion
Allowing your child to quit is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that they have failed, are weak, or have no drive. Sometimes, things simply do not turn out how we were hoping or initially expected. It takes a lot of strength to admit that things aren’t working out and that it’s time to make a course correction. Instead of feeling disappointed, reframe your mind and feel proud of the fact that your child can make up their mind and pursue the things they are passionate about.
However, this doesn’t mean that it’s ok to quit simply because something turned out to be more challenging than what they had in mind. You should encourage your child to foster perseverance and work hard to achieve their goals. Otherwise, they’ll never experience the reward that makes hard work worthwhile.
The most important thing is to have a balance. Do your best to uncover the reasons why they want to quit and be on the lookout for how it’s affecting them. Sometimes, the reason may be something trivial, but other times, they may have a very valid reason that creates urgency to provide them with safety and peace.
Whatever you decide, always keep your ears open to listen, your mouth ready to impart wisdom, and keep your heart wide open for refuge.
Psss… You might be interested in reading How to better understand your children at any age.
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