There are a few things that people should never say to expecting mothers. The reason for it, it’s because even though some comments may not harbor ill intentions, they can be hurtful to an expecting mother. It may not only make her feel uncomfortable, but it might make her think like there must be something wrong with her and her pregnancy.
Any woman that has been pregnant will tell you, that their minds are plagued with incessant worry and thoughts about her pregnancy, the baby, motherhood, and all the things to come. The last thing she needs is anyone adding to those worries or creating an insecurity that wasn’t there before.
This is why I created a list of things that we should avoid saying to a mom-to-be.
Things to never say to a pregnant woman
1. “You’re not sick. You’re just pregnant”
What do you call being tired, nauseous, vomiting, and not being able to keep anything down? Some call it being sick. In this case, it happens to be the symptoms of pregnancy. Nonetheless, the body of an expecting mother is working overtime to grow a whole human being inside of her. She is hosting a whole new life inside her womb. And the symptoms can be very rough on her. So, let’s be kind, and treat her tenderly.
2. “You wanted this baby, so don’t complain. Be grateful”
This comment is a little crass and doesn’t land well on the receiving end. Of course, she is grateful. But this doesn’t mean that the symptoms accompanying pregnancy stop being awful or avoid the fact that they can make you feel miserable. Saying that to an expecting mom can be very hurtful.
If she is sharing how she is feeling and the person responds in this way, it may make her feel unsupported and unvalidated. She may not want to share anymore with this person, because in some ways, they may have damaged her trust by this tactless comment.
3. “Your belly is so big. Are you having twins?”
I have personally experienced this one. It’s very uncomfortable. It may make the mother feel like she is disproportionally big. When in fact, this is not true. Every woman carries her pregnancy differently. In the same way that every-body is different.
Also, if you are close to her, you would know if she was carrying twins. And if you are not close enough, then maybe you shouldn’t be asking that in the first place ; ).
4. “Your belly is so small”
This one is just as bad as the previous one. This question has an insidious effect on the minds of many mothers. I have friends who have been told this very comment, and they all have told me how much it hurt them. It makes them second guess, if perhaps, the baby is not growing well and wonder if it’s too small for their fetal age.
Again, there is nothing wrong with her or her baby. Every mother carries differently. Nothing out of the ordinary.
5. “Don’t eat *insert food*”
Can we stop telling a pregnant person what to eat? She has most likely done research and discussed with her doctor the foods that are safe to eat as well as what to avoid. Including those she may enjoy in moderation. We do not need to take over the role of “Food Watch Police”. It’ll be ok.
Note: This does not refer to having a conversation with a friend or family member and sharing welcomed advice.
6. “Don’t drink coffee”
Ok, this one will have a lot of coffee lovers triggered. Even random strangers will go up to a pregnant person and chastise her for drinking coffee. Keep in mind that pregnant women can safely drink coffee in moderate amounts.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists says: “Research suggests that moderate caffeine consumption (less than 200 milligrams per day) does not cause miscarriage or preterm birth. That’s the amount in one 12-ounce cup of coffee.”
So, let the lady enjoy her cup in peace, if she wishes to do so.
7. Being openly disappointed when finding out the sex of the baby
This is sooo hurtful. It may make the expecting mother feel like her child is not wanted because it is the “wrong” sex. Even if you were rooting for a specific sex, just be happy for the baby that is. The one that will be here, and celebrate the baby regardless of their sex.
8. “I don’t like the name you picked”
Why? Why do people say things like this? Please never say this to an expecting mother (or any parent), ever. When parents pick a name for their child, they do so very happily and after much thought. It’s a name that means something to them and they have carefully selected it for their baby.
So please, do not rain on their parade. It is not your baby to name. Just be happy for them, and learn the name, so you can call their baby by their given name.
9. “You have to breastfeed” or “You have to formula feed”
Shall we not?! Please stay out of it. Every mother will make that decision on her own, according to her circumstances. It is not a collective decision. You may not know the full story as to why they have made a certain choice when it comes to feeding their baby.
When I was pregnant, I experienced even older men come up to me to discuss how I would be feeding my children. Telling me that I should breastfeed. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me. I didn’t want to discuss with anyone what I was going to be doing with my breasts, especially with an older man, who I was not close to in that way.
If an expecting mom hasn’t asked for your input, or you are not sure if your opinion is welcomed, then maybe it’s better not to bring it up.
The next one is a huge NOT TO DO:
10. Don’t touch their belly unless you’ve been welcomed to do so
Would you go up to your friends and touch their bellies? Probably not.
Don’t forget, it’s still her body. Just because she is pregnant, doesn’t mean that she has abandoned her right to personal space, or autonomy over her body. This can be very uncomfortable and violating to many women.
So please, keep your hands to yourself.
If you have said or done any of these things, don’t beat yourself up. I, as well, have foolishly slipped with a comment or question at some point or another. It happens. The important thing is to be aware why these things could be hurtful and avoid making these mistakes again, or in the future.
Expecting mothers know, that even if their close friends said something insensitive, they didn’t mean it to cause harm. They are not going to make you pay for that comment for eternity. So, relax, it’s ok.
However, we can always use a little refresher and work on better ways to encourage our loved ones. Especially, when that loved one, is an expecting mother that it’s already working hard for her little baby.
Psss… You might also be interested in reading 10 Things That Make A Good Mom and To The First-Time Mom.
