My Child Is A Bully. Now What?

I think every good parent will agree that realizing their child is a bully would be tough to process. It is not abnormal to not want to accept it and cling to the possibility of this being a big misunderstanding. You might wrestle with the fact that your child is an excellent student, have wonderful manners, and have many friends. So, how could your sweet child be a bully?

Ultimately, you realize that your child has been bullying another kid.

What do you do?

Disclaimer: This post is not sponsored.

7 Things you need to do if your child is a bully

1. Get to the root of the problem

Find out what is going on and why they have decided to bully another child. Ask them for their recollection of the events and how things escalated.

Here are some reasons why children Bully:

• Wanting to impress some friends or belong to a group
• Succumb to peer pressure
• They have been bullied before
• They might be going through difficult times (problems at home, school, or other areas in their life)
• They might be trying to get attention

Have an open and honest conversation with your child and do your best to obtain all the facts. The goal is to understand what is going on with your child and get to the bottom of their behavior.

2. Do not make excuses for your child

As difficult and tempting as this may be, do not make excuses for your child. Remember, your child is not the victim in this situation. They have done something bad and hurt someone else.

If you decide to justify and minimize the severity of their actions, you will be doing them a huge disservice. Your child will take this and rationalize that even when they do something bad, they have a justifiable reason as to why they are doing it. This can lead them to the wrong path very quickly.

3. Hold your child accountable

Let them know that they are wrong and how disappointed you are. Then, you must hold them accountable.

They need to own up to what they have done and offer an apology to the child they have victimized.

You may choose to have them apologize by:

• Apologizing face to face
• Writing a letter of apology
• Depending on circumstances, making it up to their victim (Up to parental discretion depending on the damages that the bully might have inflicted on the victim)

Do not try to shield your child because you “feel bad” and don’t want to see them having to humble themselves. This is a necessary step for them to learn their lesson and allow their victim closure.

4. Consequences

Make sure that your child receives the appropriate consequences for their actions. Remember, your child is not the victim, they have done a bad thing.

You may still be in disbelief and it may be hard to come to terms with the fact that your child is a bully. However, don’t let that cloud your judgment. Your child needs to learn that bad actions have bad repercussions.

Here are some things you can do:

• Take away phone privileges
• No video games
• Not allowed to hang out with friends
• If they destroyed someone’s property, they have to give theirs up
• Give them more household chores to complete on their own
• In addition, they have to write you a letter explaining why bullying is wrong, the effects bullying has on others, what they have learned, and how they are planning to change

They may be upset with you and feel that you are being harsh. But they will thank you in the future for correcting their bad behavior.

5. Reach out to the school

It is important that you get the report that your child’ school has on the situation so you can asses it correctly. You may also ask them for resources that they may have on how you can support your child through this time.

You might also want to talk to their guidance counselor to help you form a plan to help your child navigate through their feelings and thoughts.

6. If needed, reach out to a health professional

You may want to reach out to a health professional to rule out any behavioral disorder that may be at play.

You might also want to consider therapy. It could be a great outlet for your child to talk about what is bothering them, and learn new and healthy ways to cope with things that are disturbing them. Your child can learn new tools and calming exercises to release their frustration healthily.

7. Take a look at yourself

Last but not least, take a look at the example you are setting at home. This does not mean that their bullying is your fault, you may have done nothing wrong. But it is still worth taking a look within and see if we have had a negative influence on our child.

Ask yourself:

• Do I always threaten violence when I get angry, even in public places and to strangers?
• Have they seen me be verbally abusive to others?
• Do I tell stories of times that I have bullied a person and laugh about it?
• Do I share stories of times when I have verbally attacked a person and tell it with pride?

You may not have realized that you were sending the wrong message to your child. Perhaps there was more context to a specific story that you didn’t share, and your child processed it as if this behavior was acceptable and funny.

This is not always the case, but sometimes it may be a factor for your child’s behavior. Always remember that you are your child’s role model and they are paying close attention to you and the way you carry yourself.

In conclusion

It can be confusing and distressing to find out that your child has been bullying another child. It’s ok to take a moment to organize your thoughts and understand the facts of the situation. By doing this, you can make sure that you are fair and enforce the appropriate repercussions for their bad actions.

Moreover, do not feel discouraged or think that you have failed somehow. Your child is not destined to stay a bully for the rest of their life. It can be corrected.

Now is the time to put time and effort to help your child overcome whatever it is that is making them act out in this way. It may not always be an easy road, but is not an impossible one.

Bullying resources

If your child is experiencing bullying or has engaged in bullying, you are not alone. It can be a very difficult road to navigate but you can get through it together.

Click here for help and resources to help you and your child navigate bullying on stopbullying.gov.

Here you will have access to information on:

• Cyberbullying
• Bullying prevention
• Why children bully
• Who is at risk
• Bullying warning signs
• Effects of bullying
• How to talk about bullying
• What you can do

And so much more.

Psss… You might be interested in reading How To Effectively Manage Children Conflict Resolution