Is It Ok To Judge Other People’s Parenting?

People judge parents for everything they do. There is no winning, since someone, somewhere, will always think that you are doing something wrong or that you could be doing something better.

This is part of being a parent. We live in a society where people can be very harsh with their judgment of the type of parent they perceive you to be. In recent years, it’s only gotten worse because of social media. Parents can’t even upload a funny moment they shared with their kids, without having an avalanche of negative comments nitpicking at every single thing.

If we’re being honest, we also judge. I am sure you can think of a few people who you disagree with their approach to parenting. Perhaps you believe that they are too permissive or too strict. Maybe you disagree with the vocabulary they use and allow their children to use.

It is inevitable. We all judge. However, it is in the way you judge that it can become a bad thing.

When does it become a bad thing?

Anyone who says that they don’t judge is lying to themselves. We all do it.

However, here is the difference: Do we keep our thoughts to ourselves or do we go around spreading our negative opinions to anyone who will listen?

You see, it is ok to have a negative opinion and disagree with the way another person chooses to parent their child. But, are we purposely spreading negative comments that could hurt another person because of our self-righteous views?

Oftentimes, this is the root of all judgment. It makes us feel good about ourselves and superior to others. This is why is so easy to turn our noses up at what other people are doing.

We judge because we are human. We all have different views and opinions, but when we decide to spread vitriol towards others, that’s when we start to be in the wrong.

Related: Why Mom Shaming Will Never Die

When is it ok to say something?

When the child is in danger.

If the child is being put in a position where their well-being is in danger, then it is time to say something and intervene. At this point, it’s not a matter of difference of opinion but something serious.

If you are aware that the child is being abused in any way, or is engaging in dangerous situations, it is ok to call attention to it and try to help the child in question.

But if your problem is that you don’t like how your neighbor allows their child to eat sugar and gluten, then it’s best that you reserve your opinion.

As Benito Juárez once said “El respeto al derecho ajeno, es la paz”. Which means “The respect for the rights of others, is peace”.

I’ve always loved this quote because it is a reminder that everyone has the right to have their own beliefs and ways of living. When we respect the choices of others, we can have harmony and peace.

Same with parenting. Other people do not have to share your parenting style to be great parents. Everyone has their own way.

What you can do instead

1. Stop judging people

It is so much easier to sit back and point fingers at other parents, while self-praising the great parents that we are. Instead of doing this, it’s better to focus on the good qualities other parents have. We can focus on the fact that they are doing their best for their family and trying to instill good values.

These values may differ from yours, but that’s ok.

2. Don’t be quick to draw conclusions

Sometimes we only see a little snippet of a family’s dynamic and are quick to draw our own conclusions about their parenting.

Perhaps you witnessed a parent lose their cool with their child and you immediately assumed that they are a terrible parent. After all, “if that’s how they behave in public, imagine how it is at home”, right?

Wrong.

It is true that sometimes what you see in public is just a little window to what happens at home. But this is not always the case and it certainly isn’t always true when it comes to parenting. Every parent knows how kids can test their patience sometimes. You could tell them to stop doing something a thousand times in your most Disney-princess-voice, but at times they only listen when you turn into Jafar.

Other times, the parent may be under a lot of stress. Maybe they have lost their job, lost a loved one, or are dealing with something that is weighing heavily on their shoulders. As it turns out, the moment you witness them snap at their child, was a moment born out of stress overload.

3. Don’t say that “they shouldn’t have had kids then”

I hear people say this ALL THE TIME. People will say things like “Why are they complaining about raising their kids when they chose this” or “They shouldn’t have had kids if they were not going to do…”.

Let me say this, no parent in the world is perfect. The only perfect parents are those who do not have children. It is so easy to fall into the “I would never let my kid do…” mentality.

The truth is, once we have kids, we realize how complicated parenting can be. The emotional and physical demands are more than you could ever imagine. Even if you try to fulfill every single need and fill every space, there are a lot of times when you’re going to fall short.

Every parent is doing their best. It is unfair and hurtful to make such a comment.

Think about this: Let’s say you love your career. You chose it and worked hard to get to where you are. Yet, some days are hard. Some days you can’t wait for a vacation, to take a break and recharge your batteries. Does that mean that you should have never chosen your career since “you hate it so much”? Would it be fair to say that “you shouldn’t be complaining”?

It’s the same principle. Parenting can be tough at times; it doesn’t mean that they do not love their children or that they are not allowed to vent from time to time.

4. Be kind

It really doesn’t take much. Just be kind. You can give the mom who is struggling with their toddler’s tantrum an empathetic smile instead of a judging look.

No one wants to be the parent with the crying baby in the airplane, nobody. You have no idea the amount of stress that this puts the parents under. And no, I don’t think they are required to bring you a goody bag with earplugs and candy. It is a nice gesture, but one that they shouldn’t have to feel pressured to do.

Once you have a baby, you learn that there is only so much that you can do to “control” your child.

Have you ever been around a baby with colic? If you have, then you know how hard and challenging this can be. Or have you ever tried to console a crying toddler because the cheese touched the crackers on his plate?

How could you possibly “control” that?

Let’s choose to be kind instead of adding to the stress parents are already under.

5. Don’t use social media as a measuring stick

Not only is social media extremely curated for your consumption, but many times it’s simply not real.

There are so many videos of parents being “the perfect parent”. They have an amazing schedule in place for their kids, make all of the baby food from scratch, always have time to go to the gym for a couple of hours, make dinner, run a career empire, and do it all while looking like they just stepped out of a magazine photo shoot.

Meanwhile, there you are (or someone you know), still wearing yesterday’s t-shirt, haven’t combed your hair, feeding the baby store-bought baby food, and that’s all you can manage for the day. If you’re lucky, you might have been able to make some pasta for dinner.

Do not compare yourself or others to what you see on social media. It is not a realistic portrayal of real life.

In conclusion

When we say that we never judge, it means that even though you have your own views on a matter that differs from others, you choose not to tear them down or create division because they think differently from you.

It means that you can respectfully disagree and not turn it into an issue.

You probably have strong beliefs when it comes to parenting and raising children. We all do. Yet, some people may think that your way of doing things is wrong and vice versa.

It is in moments like these that it’s so important to respect each other’s choices while keeping in mind that every family’s circumstances are different. What works for your family, might not work for another.

There will always be varying opinions about one’s parenting style and philosophy. And that’s ok, as long as we respect one another.