When I was growing up, girls would get the talk about taking care of their bodies and not allowing anyone to touch them inappropriately. We were told how to behave, how to sit, how to play, and which parts of our bodies were to be guarded, as they were our most important possession.
But boys did not get the same treatment. They were allowed to stay out late and interactions with girls were celebrated. Sometimes, some of these interactions would cross the line and no one seemingly raised a brow.
Unfortunately, this kind of behaviors and double standards have caused girls, and consequently women, to suffer violence of many sorts.
It’s never too early to teach our boys the concept of consent, as long as the conversation is age appropriate.
I want to share with you the things I have done to start these conversations with my own children. It will allow you a place to start and teach them the basic concepts that all boys need to know in order to grow into respectful gentlemen.
Toddler to Grade-School age
This is the easiest age to teach those first steps, as it doesn’t require much. I begin by asking questions to assess where their little minds are at and how they process information.
These are the questions I ask.
1. If you are playing with a friend and they do not want to play anymore, what do you do? Children grasp this concept so easily and, in my experience, they have always replied that they should stop because their friend no longer wants to play.
2. I follow this question by asking them: what they should do if they are holding hands with their friend, and they don’t want to hold hands anymore? Again, they usually will reply that they would let go.
These are the only questions I ask. They understand that they should not force a friend to do something that they don’t want to do. This is the foundation of understanding both respect and boundaries. I make sure they understand they have to respect their friend’s wishes and we leave it at that.
I also talk about what is appropriate play as well as what parts of one’s body should not be touched nor should they touch on their friends.
Pre-teen age
At this point the conversation is a bit more mature, and we address the topic a bit more straight forward. They are a bit bigger, and they are very aware about what a crush is and what kissing is. The information doesn’t have to be TV-Y anymore.
My questions this time around are more direct and straight to the point.
1. If you have a crush on a girl and want to kiss her, do you do it because you want to?
2. What if you are already kissing and she asks you to stop?
3. What do you do if something you are saying or doing is making her uncomfortable?
The answers to all these questions should always be to stop. They must understand that even if consent was given originally, she has the power and the right to take it away at any moment. They must respect that.
At this age, it’s up to every parent’s judgement to have the sex talk with their preteens. They will soon, if they haven’t already, be exposed to it. And I believe, the best place to get accurate information is from the parents because they have their children’s best interest at heart.
In the event that the answers that your preteen provides are not satisfactory, then you must make time to have a more in-depth conversation with them and explain why this is important and correct any askew reasonings.
Teenagers
Kiddie gloves are officially off. Now is the time to lay it all on the table and grab the bull by the horns. There cannot be any stone unturned, and the information must be clear and precise. You may begin asking questions to assess their judgement and pin-point which areas you need to focus on.
It is important that you allow your teens to express themselves without cutting them off. Listen to what they have to say and answer any questions that they may have. Don’t feel embarrassed to talk about these things with them, be open and clear with the information you are providing them. Don’t beat around the bush, as this could only cause confusion and send them a mixed message.
These are the points to make sure they understand.
1. They cannot force a kiss
2. They cannot force any sexual acts
3. They cannot force intercourse
4. Even if any sexual act began to take place, she has the right to stop it at any time and they MUST stop immediately if consent has been taken back.
5. If a girl is intoxicated with any substance, they cannot, under ANY circumstances, have any kind of sexual contact with her because she is not able to consent at the moment. This has serious repercussions that may land them in jail and ruin their future.
DO NOT gloss over this point.
6. Even if they consider themselves to be innocently flirting, if the person feels uncomfortable and their advances are not welcomed, they have to let it go and stop. They have to understand what harassment is and why it’s wrong.
For so long, men have acted like that’s a thrill, the chase, that women are something to be conquered. It is not. It’s never ok to make her feel unsafe when they are around. Also, these are not the type of men that we want to raise either.
7. Flirt respectfully. They do not need to cat call a girl to get her attention. There are better ways to be smooth.
8. Don’t randomly spank a girl. Thankfully this has died down significantly as it’s no longer accepted in today’s society. But it doesn’t hurt to make it clear…just in case.
9. This one is just a freebie for common curtesy. Once they become older teenagers and men, it wouldn’t hurt to teach them not to walk closely behind a woman. This may scare her into thinking that they are following her. And I think as women, we have all experienced that creepy moment when a man has walked behind us for a while, forcing us to cross the street because we do not feel safe. Let’s teach our sons to have that in mind, just to be nice.
It is so important to teach our boys the differences between what is ok to do and what is not. We have the huge privilege of having a hand at shaping the men of the future. If we all do our part, we can make it better for future generations.
Consent goes both ways
That’s right. We have to teach our boys all of the above, but we also have to teach them that they also have the same rights.
I want my boys to understand that the same rules apply to them as well. That no one can force themselves on them without their consent to do so. Just because they are boys, doesn’t mean that they cannot be abused or that their rights cannot be violated as well.
They must know that their boundaries also have to be respected and they have autonomy over their bodies.
I don’t want to perpetuate the toxic belief that men cannot be taken advantage of by other men or women. Make it clear that if their boundaries have been breached, they have the same right to bring it to the light and it’s not a shameful thing or a sign of weakness.
How it looks for us
My oldest is a young preteen and we have discussed the points that are appropriate for his age. We have also addressed the appropriate points with our kindergartener soon to be first grader. They understand that they must respect their friends and/or crushes.
As a family, we have these conversations from time to time as a quick refresher. Their dad is very involved in these conversations, as this is very important too. Having a good male role model for them to look up to, brings in another layer of confidence to them. We bring it up in casual conversation. It doesn’t need to be a huge thing, where we have to sit down and have a family meeting. But we do make it clear that what we are saying is serious and that they need to keep it in mind.
When they are little, you may find yourself correcting them at times in how they play with other kids, especially girls. In my case, I only have 2 boys. So, they were used to just playing amongst each other. When they played with girls, I had to correct a few behaviors, while innocent, were not the right way of playing. They had no idea they could not play with girls like that because it had always been ok while playing in the same way with other boys.
If you only have boys or are surrounded by boy parents, at some point you will have to correct them on how to play with girls. And that’s ok. It’s part of growing up. It doesn’t mean you have a bad kid and you should not allow anyone to make them feel as such.
You see, young children are very innocent and have not been tainted by a dirty mind yet. It’s child’s play. However, this doesn’t mean that you should allow it to go on. Lovingly correct it and move on. This is part of the foundation you lay for raising well-adjusted boys.
Being a parent is a serious endeavor. So don’t try to take everything in all at once, just take it step by step. Before you know it, you will have a handsome and respectful gentleman in your hands.
