Many parents hope their children become a little version of themselves, a mini-me. It’s easy for them to love and gush over a child who shares many commonalities with them. But what happens when the child turns out to be the complete opposite of them?
Some parents find themselves in a situation where their children are totally different from them. This causes confusion and frustration; parents may struggle to understand and connect with their children.
Perhaps their personalities, interests, sense of style, and food choices completely differ from one another. This may cause a distance and emotional separation between parents and children.
Am I a bad parent if I feel upset that my child is so different from me?
No, you are not a bad parent. However, it does depend on how you choose to act toward your child. It’s not abnormal to feel frustrated because you just “don’t get” your child. You may struggle to connect or find something that makes you say, “You see that, they’re just like me.” Let’s be honest, we always look for little traits that we’ve passed down to our children. It makes us happy and helps us relate to them.
But when your child doesn’t seem to reflect any of your qualities and doesn’t share any of your opinions, they might feel like a stranger. You may even wonder, “How could this child be mine?”
This is when you need to be careful and avoid seeing your child as someone so distant from you that you begin to neglect or ignore them. If you have more children, be careful not to focus all your time and attention on the one that resembles you the most while leaving your other child behind. Doing this would be a mistake.
On the other hand, you are allowed your feelings. It’s okay to acknowledge that your child is different from you and that this is new territory for you. Do your best to find ways to grow closer to them and learn to appreciate them for who they are.
If you don’t know where to begin, here are some ideas to help you get started.
8 tips to grow to appreciate the child who is opposite of you
1. Get to know them
Your first step should be to get to know them. Learn about their interests, the reasons for their thoughts on certain topics, whether they like to be home or out with friends, their favorite color, favorite subject at school, and so on. The goal is to have a good understanding of who your child is as a whole.
Once you have a good grasp of your child’s personality and beliefs, it will become much easier to connect with them. You may not always share the same interests, and that’s okay. You are not doing this to change them into who you want them to be, and vice versa.
The goal is to understand them and try to see things from their perspective.
2. Spend time 1 on 1
Make time for the two of you to spend together, with no one else joining in. Don’t bring anyone else who might serve as a buffer. Embrace the awkward moments and learn how to overcome them. It’s okay if there are times when you are silent, just enjoying each other’s company. Your child needs to feel special, knowing that their parent loves them and makes time just for them.
Word of warning: It is much easier to avoid the child you don’t seem to connect with. Don’t do that. This will be very damaging for your child, potentially creating feelings of abandonment that can persist into adulthood. Not to mention the potential for them to feel they are never good enough for you, and as a result, not good enough for anyone. As a parent, you have a huge influence on their self-image, self-worth, and self-esteem. If they feel rejected by you, the one person who is supposed to love them unconditionally, how do you think they will perceive everyone else?
3. Do not compare them to other kids
Don’t fall into the trap of comparing them to other children. Avoid saying things like, “How come you don’t do that? Jimmy really enjoys it” or “Why can’t you behave well like Sophia; she never embarrasses her parents.”
You may think you’re teaching them a lesson, but this approach never works. Your child will not be receptive to such criticism; instead, it will hurt them. Having this mentality will also be a roadblock for you. If you focus too much on how other kids are great and yours is not up to par, it will hinder your ability to love your child and see what makes them special.
If you always do this, it will be very difficult to form strong emotional bonds with your child.
4. Do not find a replacement
Maybe there’s a niece, nephew, or family friend that you think is the perfect child. They are interested in all the things you like and are always willing to learn from you. The thought might cross your mind: “If only my child were like this, it would be so great.” Before you know it, you are spending more time interacting with that child and coaching them in a sport you both enjoy, leaving your own child sitting on the sidelines, watching from the outside.
Never do this. Even if your child is not big on the things you find exciting, never let them feel as if they are not good enough and that’s why you found someone more “suitable.” This is a flat-out rejection, extremely hurtful, and will cause tremendous damage to your child and your relationship.
5. Appreciate their gifts
Instead of focusing on all the differences between you and your child, why not focus on the gifts your child possesses? Perhaps you excel in mathematics, but your child is average in that area. On the other hand, your child finds art and history fascinating. Why not celebrate their skills and help them nurture those interests?
Remember, your child is their own person, not a carbon copy of you. Help them find their path and passions. Be proud of their accomplishments and celebrate their success, even when it looks different from yours.
6. Find a middle ground
Believe it or not, your child wants to get to know you too. They also want to be seen and heard. Why not find a middle ground? You both can share your interests and take turns introducing them to each other.
Here’s an example:
- Your child doesn’t like to watch basketball but enjoys shooting hoops. You can make time to go to a court and shoot together.
- You don’t like to paint but enjoy visiting museums. You can go to an art museum and explore the art pieces on display together.
These are just a few examples, but you get the idea. The point is to find ways in which you can connect and share each other’s interests.
However, there is one thing I want you to keep in mind. Even though this is a two-way street, it’s only to a certain extent. Never forget that you are the parent, and it is your job to understand your child, guide them, and make them feel safe. Not the other way around. Your child is not supposed to comfort you or resolve your problems. Have a balanced view of how much your child is supposed to meet you halfway.
Related: Am I A Narcissistic Parent? How To Tell
7. Do not show favoritism between siblings
Showing favoritism between siblings can lead to a multitude of problems. Your child might resent you and their siblings, damaging family relationships, self-esteem, and mental health.
It can be tempting to want to spend more time with the child who shares your interests. Unconsciously, you might begin to focus all your attention on them, sharing secret jokes, only calling them over when something interesting happens, and neglecting the child who is different from you. This can leave the other child feeling left out and unwanted.
You should never show favoritism for one child over another. This is not okay. Always strive to be fair and show love equally to all of your kids.
Related: This Is What Happens When You Have A Favorite Child
8. Love them for who they are
Your child loves you and accepts you, not because you’re perfect, but because you are their parent and one of a kind. You should feel the same way about them.
They might not be who you wanted them to be, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t amazing.
Love them for who they are, as they are. Learn to appreciate and celebrate their strengths and gifts. Be proud of their accomplishments and their areas of expertise. Don’t try to make them fit into the mold you had prepared for them. Instead, help them flourish and grow by following their own path.
In conclusion
Your child may be the complete opposite of you, but this doesn’t mean they are any less interesting. Don’t allow your preconceived expectations to cloud your judgment, love, and appreciation for your child.
Your child is one of a kind.
Celebrate and encourage them to be true to themselves and pursue their goals, even if they look different from what you had hoped for. Focus on the qualities they excel in and cheer for them. The more you get to know your child, the closer you will feel to them.
Pretty soon, they won’t feel so distant from you.
