How To Effectively Manage Children Conflict Resolution

If you are a parent or are around children, then you have experienced children conflict. This is when children get into an argument or tussle over a disagreement. As an adult, we may look at them and want to intervene to help them make up and make friends.

But is this the correct thing to do every single time? Sometimes it is, but other times, we may be causing more harm than good.

As a parent, it may be tempting to step in every time our child has a disagreement or an argument with another child or sibling. And that’s ok. It is our parental instinct that kicks in to help. However, we must resist it.

It is important to teach our children the tools they need to resolve conflict on their own. This is a crucial part of their development, as they will need it all throughout their lives.

PBS Kids for Parents says “Conflict resolution skills play an important role in healthy friendship development. A child who struggles to cope with frustration, for example, is likely to project that frustration onto a friend. A child who has difficulty finding solutions to friendship problems might feel hopeless when an argument occurs. A child who doesn’t know how to verbalize his feelings will likely freeze up and shut down when conflict occurs.”

We want our children to have good social skills and make and maintain friendships. So, teaching them these tools are a fundamental part of their development.

How to teach your children effective conflict resolution

Teach them to Calm down

Taking a few deep breaths and calming down is the first step. Especially if they are feeling angry. We do not want them acting impulsively. It’s better to take a step back and breathe. Doing this gives them the chance to think about the current situation, simmer down, and think with a cooler head.

How to assess the problem

The next step is having them identify what the problem is. What happened, who upset them, and why.

How to assess their feelings

Once they have figured out why a situation upsets them, help them figure out how it makes them feel. It is very important for them to acknowledge what they are feeling, whether is anger, frustration or sadness, as this is the bridge to be able to handle situations appropriately.

Teach them to Talk it out

Teaching them how to express themselves in a respectful and effective way is key.  They should learn how to express their feelings and why a particular situation upsets them.

How to be receptive

We also have to teach them how to listen to others, whether they have been the ones that have offended someone or not. They should listen to what the other person has to say, apologize if necessary, and make amends.

How it looks

This is how it would play out during a conflict following the above steps:

Let’s say two children are playing with a toy (a simple example, not to make it complicated). For the sake of clarity, let’s name them Timmy and Alex.

Alex is playing with a toy. Timmy tries to take the toy away from Alex. This makes Alex cry and now he is very upset. Timmy notices that Alex is crying and upset. Alex then explains to Timmy that he is upset because he was playing with the toy first and Timmy tried to take it away without asking. Timmy understands that he accidentally made Alex feel sad and apologizes. Timmy then returns the toy to Alex. Alex accepts the apology and they continue playing as if nothing happened.

This is effective conflict resolution. Alex was able to express how he was feeling and resolve the conflict on their own. Timmy was also receptive to what Alex was saying. This allowed the friends to resolve the problem and continue on playing and being friends. No adult intervention needed.

Many times, children will be able to resolve problems like these without an adult or parent interfering. And this is part of healthy development. These seemingly small disagreements and resolutions, prepare them as they grow older and conflict becomes more complex. By building these blocks of communication, they will be set on a path to establish a strong foundation where they will be able to address issues effectively.

When adult intervention is necessary

Even though most children conflict can be resolved amongst themselves, sometimes adult intervention is very much necessary. And that’s when things begin to get out of hand. We may see the problem escalating and getting worse rather than better. Perhaps, they not yet possess the tools to handle the situation appropriately or simply things get too heated.

This is when we must intervene to help them figure out what went wrong and resolve the disagreement. If possible, we always want to step in before an altercation becomes physical and makes way to violence as tempers flare. Obviously, if violence takes place, things have gone too far.

So, what do we do?

First, we have to break up any violence taking place.

Second, we must figure out what the argument was about and get them to talk to each other. Our job is to be neutral mediators and help both sides be heard. Hopefully, the disagreement can be resolved and a solution found.

And lastly, I know some people may not like to hear this, as we all want to be kumbaya with everyone, but sometimes, no matter how much they try to resolve a conflict, there are going to be occasions where this will not be possible.

This is the time to let it go. They have done everything they can and it’s obvious that they cannot see eye to eye. There are times when the appropriate thing to do is to simply move on. The best course of action might be to “agree to disagree”.

What I do

Most of the times when my children have some sort of disagreement, I let them talk it out and figure it out on their own. However, there are times when I notice no one’s listening to the other and they are just getting angrier at each other. That’s usually my cue to help them out and figure out what the problem is. Sometimes, they come looking for me to help them resolve the problem because they can’t figure it out amongst themselves.

Last Thoughts

Your children will not master effective conflict resolution from the get-go. It will take them years and a lot of practice. However, what will help them become good communicators and resolve problems in the best possible way is YOU.

Always make sure to leave the door open for your children to feel free to come to you for help. We all need help sometimes when we are stumped and don’t know what to do. Our children are not the exception. They also need guidance and we should always be a safe place for them to go to when they are unsure on what to do next.

Therefore, just be there for them and continue to help them build the tools necessary to be good communicators and navigate through conflict.

You might also want to read more on How To Manage Your Child Angry Outburst.