“It’s important to build trust with your child”. This is one of the things that may sometimes seem easier said than done. Especially when this sentence refers to the relationship between parents and older children. At times, the lines of communication may seem completely shut, making it hard to find an opening to connect with them.
However, it is more attainable than you might think. It just takes time, patience, and willingness on your part to put in the work to build trust between you and your child.
It is preferable to begin building trust when the children are small. However, it is never too late. Even if your child is a preteen, a teen, or an adult, there is always time to strengthen your relationship and build trust.
12 Things you can do to build trust with your child
1. Listen to them
Listen to what they have to say, their opinions, and their stories. We are often rushing too much to listen to some of the stories our children want to share with us. At times, their anecdotes may seem so unimportant or even silly. But to your child, this is the latest and hottest news in their lives.
Pay attention to them. There will be times when the story will be something very important and you don’t want to be left out of the loop. If you always seem uninterested when they share something with you, the child might figure that you are not interested in what they have to say. Therefore, never sharing anything with you.
Note: Pay attention when your child brings something to your attention that has upset them. It may not always be a pleasant conversation to have or hear how your child feels hurt about something you did, but be open to listening to what they have to say without being defensive.
2. Try to understand their point of view
There will be times when you flat-out won’t understand why some things seem to be such a big deal to them. Especially when objectively speaking, things aren’t as serious as they make it out to be. It can also be very challenging when you find yourself on opposite sides with differing opinions.
It can be very easy to get stuck in our own ways and refuse to see their point of view. It might be tempting to put our foot down and do everything we can to convince them to change their minds to match ours.
Unfortunately, when we do this, it does not build trust with our children. On the contrary, it serves as a big factor as to why our children will pull away from us due to feeling not understood.
It’s worth clarifying that understanding where they are coming from is not the same as agreeing with them. What it means is that you make the effort to look at things from their perspective and see how it affects them. Try to put yourself in their shoes, or at the very least, sympathize with their situation. There will be times when you will agree with how they see things, and there will be other times, when you will agree to disagree.
Related: How to better understand your children at any age
3. Apologize
Listen, I know that we all have our pride that has served us all our lives to maintain our dignity and maintain who we are as a person. But we should NOT approach parenting with a prideful heart. When we have erred or have hurt our children, it is important that we apologize to them. Doing so won’t cause your child to lose respect for you. On the contrary, it will mend your bond, build trust, and they will respect you even more than before.
Apologizing is an integral part of any healthy relationship. This includes your relationship with your child. Remember that you are your child’s most important role model, therefore making it of most importance to model accountability and correction of one’s mistakes.
It also has an added benefit: Your child will develop a healthy sense of self-worth. When they see that the most important person in their lives—who is also an authority figure—shows them respect, they will learn to extend that same level of respect to others and expect it for themselves.
Related: Should Parents Apologize To Their Kids?
4. Keep their secrets
If your child is trusting you with something private and requests that you do not share it with anyone else, then you must keep their secret. It doesn’t matter if the said secret is that they still love to watch Cocomelon, it is not your place to reveal it.
Divulging private information is a highway to disconnection from your child. Your child might forgive you for slipping a few times (depending on the secret) but eventually will stop trusting you. You will inevitably reach the point where you will never know what’s going on with your child because they will deem you untrustworthy and not share anything with you.
5. Don’t share their embarrassing moments
No matter how funny or harmless they might be. If your child feels embarrassed by the story, then it’s better not to share it.
To them, it may feel like you are using this story to make fun of them and laugh at their expense. If it’s something that they will not laugh at or wish others to know, you should keep it to yourself.
6. Get to know them
They are your children and you have been raising them all their lives. However, this doesn’t mean that you know everything about them. As they grow up, they are continuously going to change and have a different outlook on life.
Make time to talk to them and learn what kind of things they are into, who their friends are, and if their taste in music has changed. Try to keep up with your growing and ever-changing child. When you understand who they are, you’re better able to support them in the way they need. This will build trust because they will have the certainty that you truly know them and have their back.
7. Show interest in their interests
So, your child loves soccer, but you couldn’t care less about sports. Or maybe they’re into video games and want you to watch them play, even though you find it boring.
Make an effort to show interest in their hobbies. Watch a game with them, or if possible, take them to see a live match. Spend a few minutes watching them play their favorite video game. Ask them why they enjoy it or how they got interested in it.
You’ll be amazed at how happy they get when they can share their passions with you. And who knows, you might start enjoying it too.
8. Always be honest
Do not lie to your child. That is a surefire way to the ultimate breakdown of trust. Be honest with them and always do your best to be transparent when explaining things to them.
However, there will be times when you won’t be able to share specific details with them, if anything at all. Rather than lying, tell them that it’s not something you can share with them but you will do your best to be as open as you possibly can.
Your child will appreciate you being honest with them and will trust you more for it.
9. Keep your promises
Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Your child will understand if sometimes plans change and that your inability to keep your promise was something that was out of your hands. But if you have the habit of always making a lot of promises and not keeping them, your child will begin to distrust you. Your words will not carry much weight and it will be assumed that all your promises are empty promises.
This is a bad place to be in and your relationship with your child will suffer.
10. Encourage them
Don’t only call them out when they do something wrong. Make sure they know you see their efforts and are proud of them. Encourage them to keep up the great work.
By doing this, you’ll build trust. They’ll see that you’re fair and recognize their good actions, not just their mistakes. So when you need to point out something they need to work on, they won’t feel like you’re always picking on them. Instead, they’ll understand that you have their best interests at heart.
11. Keep communication lines open
Never close the doors of communication with your child. Even when they are shutting down on you and refuse to talk, always let them know that you are there for them and when they are ready, you will revisit the conversation.
Your child needs to know that they can always talk to you about anything and that your door is always open.
12. Respect their boundaries
Even when they are at a young age, respect their boundaries. It will help your child feel safe and comfortable in their own environment. Boundaries exist to protect ourselves when we feel unsafe or uncomfortable with the things that are happening around us. Just because they are your children, doesn’t mean that they aren’t individuals with their own likes and dislikes. Something that may be ok with you, might not be for them.
If you learn to respect their boundaries and autonomy (age-appropriate), it will benefit your relationship greatly and it will build trust.
Let’s use a simple example of how this would look like: Your child tells you that they don’t like it when people touch their hair. Your first instinct might be the desire to explain that everyone does that because of the beautiful hair they have. It is at this time when you need to look at it from their perspective. It makes them feel uncomfortable and they don’t like it. They are setting a boundary. It is not an outrageous request and we should be able to respect it and help them enforce that boundary with other people.
In conclusion
Just like Rome wasn’t built in a day, building trust with your child will also take time. You just need to be consistent, patient, and always lead with love. There will be times when it will be challenging to do so, and despite your best efforts, your child will shut you out.
It is during these times that it is most important that you do not throw the towel and deem it unachievable. It will not always be smooth sailing. Sometimes, you will have to concede and let some things go, while other times, you will have to address the issue at hand regardless of their unwillingness to cooperate.
To build trust means that you are in it. Every day, doing your best to establish a strong and healthy foundation. Your child may not always voice it, but they will always know that you are a safe space for them. They will always remember that you never gave up and always tried to be close to them. One day, they will surprise you by openly appreciating your efforts and showing you how much they trust you.
