Good Parents Avoid Making These 10 Mistakes

No parent ever sets out to do something that might harm their child. Most people are doing their best to be good parents, and striving to do everything right. However, sometimes we might make a wrong turn without realizing it.

If this has ever happened to you, then you probably have made a course correction and changed your approach. And if you are here, it’s probably because you want to make sure you are not doing something wrong while raising your kids.

Below, we will explore 10 mistakes that we must avoid making while raising our children.

Avoid making these mistakes

1. Making them your BFF

There has to be a clear boundary that is appropriate for the parent-child relationship and the age of the child. Do not treat your child like they are your best friend or therapist, unloading on them all of your adult problems, romantic relationship drama, trauma, and mental health struggles.

Not only is your child not equipped to handle adult problems and give you advice, but it is not their place to come to your aide in these areas of your life. It is your job to take care of them and provide support for them. Not the other way around.

Note:  This is referring to children that are in their formative years and have not reached adulthood. When children become adults, some of the dynamics will shift, and that is normal.

Point number 7 explains more about Parentification.

2. Expecting them to act like adults

They are children. They do not have the maturity or insight that an older person has. They are young and inexperienced. Just like you once did, they are learning how to behave and how to carry themselves in different situations.

Don’t expect them to know what to say and what to do at all times. They will not always sit still when you visit a friend, or compliment the food they have been served and clearly do not like. They will most likely frown and say it looks bad. Use these moments as teaching opportunities so they learn what is the appropriate way to behave in such moments.

3. Expecting perfection

No one is perfect, not even ourselves. So how can we expect it from our children?

If we do this, we would most certainly be setting them up for failure. This will leave them feeling inadequate and anxious because it will be impossible to always achieve the “perfection” that is being asked of them.

Instead, it will be more beneficial to let our children know, that what we expect from them is to always try their best. When they achieve a goal, make sure to celebrate with them their accomplishments. This is a realistic goal that a child can build upon to improve little by little as they grow up. Since their best, is measured within their own ability and capability.

4. Bad-mouthing them

Even when they do something wrong, going around speaking ill of them to anyone that will listen, won’t make things better. This will only create resentment and turn you into the enemy.

Not only is this incredibly hurtful and damaging to the child, but it deeply damages your relationship. Your child may not see you as a safe person they can go to when they need help, and it may have a negative impact in their self-esteem and self-worth. They might reason that if their parents speak that way of them, how would others feel about them. After all, your parents are supposed to be the people that love you most. So, if their parents are speaking in a negative way of them, then they will assume everyone else sees them in the same light.

5. Not holding them accountable when they are wrong

Sometimes they will do the wrong thing. In moments like these, we need to hold them accountable. Don’t justify their bad actions, instead, put in place appropriate repercussions. Whether it is to apologize or make reparations for something that they did wrong.

This can be easier said than done. It may seem easier to avoid the embarrassment or the hurt of seeing your child having to make amends for their wrong doings. However, this is a very necessary step that should not be skipped. This will establish the foundation for responsible adults that know respect and integrity.

6. Babying them

They will always be our babies in our hearts but this should not be intertwined with reality. Your child needs to be able to develop accordingly for their age and learn how to be self-sufficient. You do not want your child to be a teenager and not even know how to make themselves a bowl of cereal and milk.

You will be harming them instead of helping them. We are not always going to be around to help them and they need to know how to take care of themselves. This preparation for the real world begins at home. Allow them to safely sharpen the necessary life skills while they are still in the nest. That way they’ll be able to go out into the world being capable and self-sufficient people.

7. Parentifying them

There is nothing wrong in asking your child to watch over their younger sibling while you go take a shower, or asking them for help while you change the baby’s diaper. But passing the parenting responsibilities over to one of the children is unfair and very damaging. It is not a child’s job to raise their siblings, it’s the parent’s.  

It is also extremely damaging to turn your child into your support system. Again, there is nothing wrong in assigning chores to your child that are age appropriate. However, expecting them to carry the adult responsibilities shoulder to shoulder with you is very harmful.  Some may expect their children to “carry their own weight at home” and possibly be seen as a contingency for staying in the house.

Avoid doing this. This robs the child of their own childhood and thrusts them into adulthood way before their time. This causes a lot of problems that later present in their adult lives and wounds that may never heal.

Psychology Today says that “Parentified children may experience a range of difficulties in adulthood, including; enmeshed roles within the family, difficulties with establishing boundaries, a pervasive need to please other people, anxiety, perfectionism, difficulties forming and maintaining intimate or platonic relationships, missed developmental milestones, grief, and passive styles of communication“.

Every family has different circumstances that may require the children to help out in some shape or form in the household. But if it can be helped, we must do our best to allow them to be children without assigning them adult roles and responsibilities that are way before their time. As we have seen, this can be very damaging to their mental health and the way they will carry themselves in the future.

Read more on Parentification here.

8. Sharing their secrets

Their secret may not seem like a big deal to you, but to them it is. If you share their secrets, you will be breaking their trust and possibly embarrassing them.

Maybe it is a really funny story that you think other people may really enjoy, but don’t divulge it thinking that it’ll be fine. Ask them first if it will be ok for you to share that story with other people. If they say no, respect their choice and keep it private.

If you avoid doing this, they will trust you and they will be more likely to always be more forthcoming with you. Therefore, strengthening your relationship.

9. Invalidating their feelings

Maybe someone called them poopy-head or SpongeBob at school. You may think that it’s such a silly thing to be worried and upset about. You might even tell them that they need to toughen up and get over it. This may cause your child to shut down and feel like you always diminish their problems. Remember, they are kids. They have yet to achieve maturity to see this situation as something minor. For them, this might as well be the end of the world.

Instead, you might want to talk it through with your child, be sympathetic, and help them overcome it. They need to feel heard and understood. If you do this, it will ensure that your door stays open in their eyes, and they will continue to come to you whenever they are having a problem. Giving you the opportunity to help them solve it and keep them grounded.

10. Being always busy

We live in a very fast-paced society and it may be hard at times to even have free time. When you get home, you might just want to get comfortable and relax. That is completely understandable. This may make it very difficult to listen to every story, look at every drawing, and watch every clip your child has been anxiously waiting to show you.

Try your best to make time. Sometimes it may be challenging to do so, especially if you have a busy schedule. But do your best to put some time aside to spend with your kids and hear what they have to say. Even if you are not able to spend as much time as you wish, make sure it’s quality time.

If you have made any of these mistakes, it doesn’t mean that you are a bad parent. Even well-intended parents make mistakes all the time. The important thing is that we correct it and steer our actions into a different, better direction.

Psss… You might be interested in reading 8 Gifts We Can Give Our Children So They Can Grow Into Good Adults.