Getting angry at our children, Is it bad?

Disclaimer: This post is about the normal feeling of healthy anger or being upset. This does not include any abusive or out of control behavior toward a child.

We are all familiar with this. At some point or another, we have gotten angry at our kids and probably have yelled at them too. There have probably been countless times when you felt that you wanted to scream and pull your hair out because they were driving you up the wall. And after being fed up, you scolded them angrily.

After simmering down, you probably wondered if getting angry was ok. Or perhaps, felt guilty for being upset and hard on them in the first place. You might even ask yourself:

Getting angry at our children, is it bad?

The short answer is No.

There is nothing wrong in getting angry or even in raising your voice. Obviously, you don’t want to get carried away and lose your temper in a way that may harm your child or be abusive. That is not ok. But getting upset and letting them know that you are mad is completely ok and normal. You are not doing anything wrong.

Real life is not a fairy tale

In fairy tales, moms have an infinite amount of patience and an overwhelming love for their children. Even though the latter is true for every mom, the former is not. We do not have infinity reserves of patience that would allow us to smile warmly even when our (little devils) little bundles of joy test our lasts.

Those perfect moms that are depicted in shows and movies are fictional. This idea that moms are the equivalent to saints is not only impossible, but plainly wrong. It creates the narrative and expectation that all moms must be able to handle everything perfectly while always having their hair and makeup on point, the house in order and never be emotionally drained. This idea is unsustainable.

The truth is that at the end of the day, we are just people. We are not perfect. We get angry and that’s ok.

Your children are not going to break just because you raised your voice (or even yelled) or got upset at them.  They will be ok, so, stop obsessing over it.

Some days you are going to be tired or in a bad mood. Some days you are not going to be the perfect mom. Some days you are not going to have the patience to listen to your kid tell a story for 15 minutes when they could’ve told it in 2. Some days you are just going to want them to sit still and be quiet for the whole day because you feel so drained that you just can’t deal.

That’s ok. Cut yourself some slack.

Is there something to be learned?

As it so happens, a lot.

We should teach our children that just as joy, sadness and fear, anger is also an emotion. Explain to your children that just like them, we also have these same emotions and feelings. That sometimes, we too get angry or upset at something that we do not like or annoys us. This happens because we are all people, this is a normal and a healthy emotion.

Take the opportunity to discuss what anger is and why it makes us feel like we are agitated. About how sometimes, it might feel like pressure is building inside of us, until it all comes out. That even though it can be an emotion that can become bad, anger is actually a very good feeling that protects us from pain. That is a feeling that lets us know that someone is doing something that has crossed our boundaries and that we need to stop them from going any further.

Anger helps us advocate for ourselves when we feel someone has done something wrong towards us.

When something happens at home that we do not like (whether it was that they broke a rule, misbehaved, or were being too loud), we also get angry.

What to watch out for

Even though anger is a normal and healthy human emotion, it could potentially become destructive and unhealthy if left unchecked. Just because we are angry, we cannot allow it to run us wild or into a rampage. This could have serious consequences for us. We might lose friends, a job or even get in trouble with the law if we do not control it.

With every emotion, we need to learn how to be balanced with the way we respond to them. In the same way we teach this to our children, we must put it into practice as well. Actions definitely speak louder than words, and when we model by example, they will follow it.

What to do if there’s a problem

Everything that I have addressed so far, is regarding a normal anger response. But if you find yourself losing your temper often and constantly feeling like you have gone overboard; to the point that even people around you have begun to tell you that you need to relax, then maybe, it’s time for some self-reflection.

If you realize that you are having problems controlling your anger, maybe you could use some help. There is nothing wrong with that, sometimes we all need a little help. Doing so will create a safer and happier space for you and your children.

Some of the things you could do:

• Anger management therapy
• Exercise
• Breathing exercises
• Reach out for help and support from trusted love ones
• Walk away (sometimes it’s better to step away and take a break to regroup and gather yourself)

This is not something you have to struggle with forever. There is a lot of help and ways to manage anger which you can take advantage of, in order to be a better and happier you.

Last thoughts

Anger is normal. You are going to get upset and not always be happy go lucky. Your children will be ok too. Don’t beat yourself up for being a normal person that gets tired, and sometimes gets fed up with whatever shenanigans are presented to you on a daily basis. Just because you had enough for one day doesn’t make you a monster nor a bad mother. It just makes you human. Not a caricature.

The fact that you are reading this post is already a testament of the love that you have for your children and how you are the best mom that they could have. It shows that you care about their feelings, and that you want to make sure you raise them in a happy and healthy environment.

So don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing great.

Psss...You can also check out How To Practice Self-Care and Mindfulness as a Mom for tips on how you can better take care of yourself and improve your well-being.

Related Post: How To Manage Your Child Angry Outburst