Have you ever seen a parent that openly has a favorite child among all their children? I think we all have come across this scenario at least once in our lives. Perhaps, you are the favorite child in your family unit, or maybe, one of your siblings is. This stings even throughout adulthood. But for children this kind of dynamic has a different effect.
The American Survey Center says that “Forty percent of Americans who grew up with siblings report that their parents had a favorite child”. So, how does parental favoritism affect a child?
Before we begin, we should start by determining if showing favoritism is the right way to go.
Is showing favoritism, okay?
No, it’s not. There should be no place in your home for this kind of dynamic.
This doesn’t mean that your heart might never lean toward the direction of one child over the other. If we’re being honest, there might be days when you might feel happier with one of your children. This might be because you are upset with one of them, or perhaps, one of your children has achieved something that they worked hard on, and you are feeling overwhelmingly proud of them.
You might even relate more to the personality of one of your children. This is normal.
HOWEVER, this does not mean that it makes it ok to favor one child over the other.
Do not compare your children
I understand that little Timmy is a genius in school. On the other hand, little Sophia struggles in every subject. DO NOT COMPARE THEM. Don’t say things like “Your brother is so smart, what is wrong with you?”, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”, or “Your brother is so easy and likeable. You always make things hard”.
This is not encouraging and will never yield the positive results that you are expecting. This will only fuel competition between your children and encourage sibling rivalry.
Even if one child is more gifted than their siblings, you can still nurture their gift, while being fair and treating them equally.
Favoritism has consequences
Showing favoritism is not a victimless dynamic. It will yield consequences and your children will be hurt. When favoritism is prevalent in families, it does not only affect the child that feels left out, but also the child that has been put on a pedestal.
How it affects the favorite child
1. They might feel invincible
You know what happens when a person is put on a pedestal and made to feel as if they’re above everyone else? They feel like nothing can touch them. Now imagine the effect this will have on a child that is still growing up and learning right from wrong.
This kind of feeling of invincibility will also open the door for sibling abuse on their part. They might begin to see their siblings as inferior to them and start to mistreat them. They may rationalize that no matter what they do, they can just accuse their siblings and they will be believed. Or worst, they might know that even if caught, their parent will let it go because they have a soft spot for them.
They will take advantage of this fact and openly be naughty because they know they can get away with it.
When they are little, the parent may find their antics as “cute” or “innocent”, but we know children do not stay little forever. This kind of mindset will get them in a lot of trouble once they grow up if not corrected in a timely fashion.
2. They might become entitled and spoiled
If the parent is constantly taking their favorite child’ side, even when they are wrong, the child will come to believe that everyone has to give in to them. They will start to have an overly inflated view of themselves, and will begin to think that that’s the way things should always be.
This may create certain behavioral problems in the child. They may start to think that if they want something, they should get it immediately. After all, why shouldn’t they think this way? It is a logical conclusion. If at home they are always told “yes” and granted every wish and whim, then this is how it should be everywhere they go.
By doing this, parents will be doing their children a disservice. They will be unintentionally creating an unlikable person that will struggle with their relationships, especially when interacting with their own siblings.
3. They might carry guilt
This may come as a surprise, but the truth is that many times the favorite child carries a lot of guilt. Not every child will exhibit the traits mentioned above. On the contrary, their parent’s favoritism may make them feel very uncomfortable.
They will be very aware of how their treatment was always vastly different from their other siblings. This may cause the child to feel hurt and longing to compensate their siblings for the unfair treatment they received from their parents.
There are two main problems with this:
Number one: The child will begin to internalize their parents’ behavior as their fault. They will feel responsible for their siblings not receiving the same treatment as them. As a result, carrying an immense amount of guilt that they aren’t prepared to manage.
Number two: It can open the door for sibling abuse that is directed at them. Their siblings might feel angry with them for always getting the better end on everything and might become hostile toward them. Their siblings might pick up on the fact that they are always trying to be on their good side (because of the guilt they are carrying) and they may take advantage of their good disposition. Therefore, putting the child in a vulnerable place.
How it affects the other siblings
1. Low self-esteem
Never forget that parents have a powerful role in their child’s life. The decisions we make and the words we use with our children shape them into who they are going to be. Parents are supposed to be the stronghold that keep their children safe and where they go to recharge and establish their own sense of self.
If your child clearly sees that their sibling is the favorite, they will begin to wonder what is wrong with them. They might even feel that this is happening because they are not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough of their parents’ affections. As a result, they can come to the conclusion that if their parents think they aren’t good enough, how could anyone else like them.
This will put the child in a susceptible position. This is because it will make them prone to be taken advantage of by anyone that gives them words of reassurance and acceptance.
Related post: How to Build Your Child’s Confidence, The Right Way.
2. Emotional damage
It hurts to know that they are not “the” favorite child. It will hurt to see the differences in treatment when they compare themselves to that sibling. This may cause the child to become anxious, depressed, and distrustful of other people.
You have to remember that the home is supposed to be a child’ sanctuary, a place that gives them comfort. If parents are not creating this environment, children will constantly be in a state of fight or flight. Constantly feeling that they have to be ready for the other shoe to drop because when something goes wrong, mom and dad will always have their sibling’s back but not theirs. They will feel lonely and not as important as their sibling. Therefore, creating a mindset of always having to fend for themselves.
3. It might create resentment toward their sibling
They might become resentful of their sibling for always getting all the attention and the most love from their parents. A child does not possess the tools, or the maturity, to navigate this very difficult situation. It may be easier to take it out on their sibling, especially since in their eyes, it’s their sibling that is “stealing” all the attention.
Now, it doesn’t mean that every child will react this way. Many children, even though they are hurt by their parents’ actions, do not take it out on their sibling. On the contrary, they love their brother or sister very much and do their best to maintain a good relationship with each other.
However, even though things could go either way, it will still leave a bitter taste and hurt feelings for the child. They will always remember that there was clearly a favorite amongst the siblings. This is something that even if they get over it as adults, they will always carry with them.
4. It might create resentment toward the parents
When the child is little, they will probably be doing their best to gain their parents’ approval. They might even want to imitate their sibling in hopes that their parents will notice and praise them in the same way.
But as the child grows older, they will get tired of working so hard for their parent’s acknowledgement and will begin to resent the parent. Moreover, the more they go into adulthood the more aware they will become of how unfair their upbringing was and how wrong their parents were for creating that environment in the home.
At this point the damage has already been done. The child, now older, may begin to pull away from their parents and keep a distance. They might do this as a protective mechanism to avoid being let down or hurt by the parent.
Now, this doesn’t mean that the relationship is beyond repair. It could still be mended but it will take a lot of hard work and time.
But what happens when one child outshines the other?
In order to be fair, you do not need to diminish or over exalt either of your children’s accomplishments. In this case, celebrate each of your children’s gifts.
It can be tricky to balance, especially if one child seems to accomplish more things in comparison to their sibling. It is still ok to commend and applaud your child for their hard work. You just need to make sure that you have the same level of enthusiasm when each child accomplishes their own goals.
Praise them both. Acknowledge that they have different gifts and that they excel at their own talents. Emphasize that they are both special and unique within their own strengths.
On a final note
Most of the time, parents aren’t even aware that they are showing favoritism to one of their children. This is why it’s important to take a look at our family’s dynamic and truly be honest while taking a look at our actions. If we notice that we have been leaning toward one child, it’s never too late to make any necessary changes to keep a balance within the family’s dynamic.
It is our job as parents to make sure that we are being fair and creating a healthy home environment for our children to thrive in.
Even though it can be tricky at times to keep a good balance, it is completely possible to do so as long as we are willing to put in the work.
Psss…You might be interested in reading this amazing article from BBC on The lifelong effects of ‘the favourite child’.
[…] Related post: This Is What Happens When You Have a Favorite Child. […]