It is not uncommon for kids, particularly preteens and teenagers, to feel that their parents are not on their side. This sentiment may sometimes appear exaggerated to others and is often dismissed by those around them.
However, this seems to be a more widespread problem than many of us have previously thought.
According to The Chronicle Of Evidence-Based Mentoring, a study showed that 40% of US children lack a strong emotional attachment to their parents. Moreover, it says, “Of the 40 percent who lack secure attachments, 25 percent avoid their parents when they are upset (because their parents are ignoring their needs), and 15 percent resist their parents because their parents cause them distress.”
Children may feel that their parents do not “have their backs” if there’s an emotional disconnect and weakened parent/child bonds. They may feel as if they cannot go to their parents for help in fear that their problem may not be taken seriously, their needs might be dismissed, or that the parent might aggravate the situation instead of helping them resolve it.
What if you feel you are on your child’s side but they don’t? Does it matter?
It matters if you want to have a close and healthy relationship with your child.
A child will not go to their parents to talk about their problems, personal lives, or even for advice if they feel that their parent will not take their side or look out for their best interest.
When they are little and you are in charge of their daily activities, you won’t feel much of a difference. But once they get older and become more independent, that’s when you will begin to feel the distance. Although it is normal for preteens to pull back from their parents as they become more independent, they will still be willing to chat with their parents and share things that are important to them or that worry them.
If they do not feel safe doing so, you would be left out of the loop. And if nothing changes, they will carry this into adulthood, leaving a big gap between you and your child.
How to tell if you are on your child’s side
1. Your reaction when you receive a complaint about your child
Do you immediately assume that your child is in the wrong? Do you give them the benefit of the doubt? Do you prioritize listening to their side of the story before making a judgment?
These are important questions to ask yourself. Obviously, you know your child. You probably can tell if the complaints sound like something your child would do as soon as you hear it. Therefore, it can be tempting to jump in without a second thought to defend or apologize on their behalf. I think all parents can relate to this.
If your first reaction is to accept someone else’s version of events without hearing your child’s side of the story, it may make your child feel like you are not on their side.
It is important to hear what they have to say. This way you can take the necessary (and fair!) actions to either protect them or ensure that the punishment fits the crime.
2. The way you talk about them
How do you express yourself about your child to others? Do you always speak negatively when referring to them and/or constantly point out how terrible they are? Or do you speak positively of them and/or point out their good qualities?
Not only are you establishing the way others will perceive them, but you are also letting them know how you feel about them. How you address them will have a major impact on your relationship.
If you notice that you usually speak ill of them, this may be a sign that you are not completely (or at all) on your child’s side. If we’re being honest, if you were, you would do your best to preserve their dignity and image instead of tearing them down and damaging them in this way.
Note: There is a difference between venting and trashing your children. It is normal, and healthy even, to reach out to a trusted friend or family member to talk about your parenting struggles. This is not wrong and is not what I am referring to in this section. This section focuses on when parents only speak badly about their children to anyone who will listen. It’s clear that their goal is to make the child look bad and make themselves look like a devoted parent and martyr.
3. Showing support of their dreams
What is your approach when your child shares with you their dreams? Do you shut them down and tell them that it’s never going to happen? Or do you encourage them to work hard to achieve their goals?
You see, there is a difference between being lovingly realistic and crushing their dreams.
Let’s say your child says that they want to be a rocket scientist or a Hollywood movie star. Those things can be very hard to achieve. Perhaps you do not have the monetary means or connections to help them get there. Or maybe, you simply know that not everyone makes it, even when they are talented and have what it takes.
Even if their dreams are hard to achieve, you can still be supportive and lovingly realistic. You can say something like “You are so bright and talented that I know you have what it takes. Work hard and let’s figure out how to make it happen. At the same time, let’s prepare a plan B because we never know how life is going to play out. But this will be our plan A and let’s see if we can make it work”.
You may realize from the very beginning that perhaps their dream might not be feasible, but don’t crush their dream as soon as you hear it. Have your child do research and prepare a plan. You can do it together. Your child will realize on their own if their dream may not be attainable and pivot in a different direction.
4. Do you validate your child’s feelings?
This one is actually a pretty big one, believe it or not. This will play a huge role in the way your child determines if you are on their side or against them.
When they have a problem, do you dismiss it and tell them that it’s nothing and that they need to get over it?
I know this can be tempting, especially when, objectively, things are not such big a deal as they are making it seem. But there is something that parents tend to forget: It IS a huge deal for them.
When children are growing up, everything is always a big deal. Having a friend say something mean about them, might as well be the end of the world. It is ok to acknowledge that the situation they are facing is hard and that it makes them feel bad. But then, as an experienced adult, you can guide them into seeing the other side of things and assure them that everything will work out.
You can help ground them AND validate what they are experiencing.
If you constantly shut them down and tell them their worries are not a big deal, you will accidentally put yourself in the “against me” category because they will start seeing you as not a safe person to go to.
Note: Saying things like “You don’t know what problems are” or “Wait until you have to deal with x thing like I do. Then you’ll know how hard things are”, will only worsen the situation. This may lead your child to eventually not discuss or share anything with you, even when things are serious.
5. Do all roads lead back to you?
Whenever your child is sharing something with you, do you always steer the subject to be about you? Does every conversation always lead to your life story, struggles, concerns, or trauma?
This may make your child feel as if they do not matter and the only important person is you.
This situation does not make them feel that you are against them, but it can be a very lonely experience because it would seem as if the attention is always on you and that only you need to be supported.
This will leave them feeling like they have to fend for themselves because mom or dad are too busy handling their own things.
Related: Am I A Narcissistic Parent? How To Tell
6. Do you have their back? And what does that mean?
When issues arise, do you have their back? Do they know that you are in their corner and looking out for them? Or do you play Switzerland, stay neutral, and distance yourself to stay uninvolved?
Even if you are a peaceful person who tries to avoid confrontation, if you always stay out of issues related to your child only to keep the peace, then your child might feel that you are not on their side.
With that said, it is important to clarify what this means. Just because you are on your child’s side doesn’t mean that you have to go berserk to prove that you are in their corner. What it means is that you will be fair. You will serve as a shield to protect them from any unfairness. But at the same time, if they are in the wrong, you would ensure that they are dealt the proper consequences that fit the offense.
Therefore, looking out for them and always being by their side. Making sure that they are safe and protected.
To wrap up
You don’t have to blindly defend your child and cover up every bad thing they could ever do to show that you have their best interest at heart. All you need to do is be fair and present when you are needed.
Being on their side means that you are there for them, listening, doing your best to understand them, and being the protector they need when things get hard. While at the same time, dealing with the appropriate consequences for their bad actions and a fair rule enforcer.
