Have you ever wondered, am I a narcissistic parent? Or perhaps, when you saw the title of this post, you felt curiosity and wanted to check on the traits of a narcissistic parent.
I think that this is a question that every parent should ask themselves and be open to conducting an honest self-examination to determine if they have narcissistic traits and tendencies, in order to make a course correction.
Nowadays people use the term narcissist very loosely. Sometimes it is used to describe a selfish person, or someone that likes being the center of attention. Even though some of these traits may be shown by a narcissistic person, it doesn’t mean that they are one.
It is important to be able to make a distinction and understand how it manifests in parenting.
What is a narcissistic person?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) was named after Narcissus the Hunter, a god from Greek mythology. The story goes that Narcissus was a very beautiful man. One day, he came upon a pool of water and saw his own reflection. He fell in love with his own beauty and could not look away. Narcissus stayed by the water looking at his own reflection until he died from thirst and starvation.
The thing about NPD is that the person is so self-involved that they will always put themselves first and have an over elevated sense of self and self-worth. Just like Narcissus, they might be so absorbed with themselves, that it may cause the detriment of themselves and their relationships.
Narcissistic parent
A narcissistic parent will always think of their own well-being and happiness first. While at the same time expecting the child to fulfill every expectation they have. It is not unusual for these parents to want to live through their children by having them achieve the things that they were never able to do.
The parent may also not be able to create a safe and nurturing environment for their child. Even though they may be living at home with their children, the children may grow up feeling isolated and unable to voice their feelings.
For a child, having a narcissistic parent is one of the worse things that can happen to them. It causes a lot of suffering and pain that they endure quietly and by themselves. This is usually because to the outside, their parents are star parents who are perfect, but only the children know what actually happens behind closed doors. People around them may tell the children how amazing their parent is and how grateful they should be, when in reality, the child knows different. This causes the child to feel even more isolated.
11 Signs of a Narcissistic parent
1. Everything is always about them
Their feelings, needs, wants; they always come first. They have very low regard for the feelings of their children or the struggles that they might be facing. Every conversation will always come back around to be about them, and they will show a low level of empathy for their children…if any.
Here are a few examples:
- Child may be going through a breakup. Instead of comforting and showing support to the child, the parent begins talking about their own heartbreaks and how difficult it was at the time for them to deal with it.
- Child may have lost their job. The parent will not focus on the hardship that this may cause the child, instead, they will feel very upset because they are so worried about their child. They will share how they can no longer sleep or eat because they are so concerned. Therefore, making it about themselves.
- Child is having a hard time at school. The parent might get upset that they have to take time out of their busy schedule to help the child. They may emphasize what an inconvenience this is for them and how the child should know how to do it on their own. They may also lash out because the child is reflecting poorly on them and is ruining their image.
- The child comes to the parent to talk about how they have hurt their feelings. The narcissistic parent will turn the conversation around and make the child the one who is hurting them by saying such hurtful things. They might even begin to cry, forcing the child to have to console the parent, even though their feelings have not been addressed.
A narcissistic parent will always find a way to turn every situation to be about them and how things make them feel. These parents have little regard for their child’s feelings or how things affect them, as long as they are happy.
The child will always be an extra in the movie of the parent’s life.
2. When making decisions, they only think if it works for them
There are times in our lives when we might need to move to another house, take a new job, or even start a new relationship. All those things are part of life. Our children may not always be happy with some of the changes that we might have to make throughout their childhood, but we are making the decisions that we think will be best for the entire family.
A narcissistic parent does not think this way. They make decisions based on what works best for them and what makes them happy. Their children are just towed along. Even when they realize that their children are being hurt by their decisions, they do not take a step back. Instead, they move forward full throttle.
The way they see it is that they need to be happy, and their children need to get in line.
3. Have zero accountability
Nothing is ever their fault. Everything always has a justification, and they were never aware of the pain that their children were in. They have all the excuses in the world to avoid taking responsibility for their poor choices and causing hurt to their children.
The parent will always rewrite history. They will tell the child that things were not like they remember or that those things never happened. Narcissistic parents are masters at selective memory when confronted with things that will put them in a negative light.
4. Label everything as being disrespectful
If the child were ever to raise questions, express their hurt feelings, or disagree with them, the parent will turn around and label them as disrespectful.
This is because the narcissistic parent does not like to be challenged or be put in a situation where they will see themselves in a negative light. This is a massive strike to their ego and it’s not something that they will ever be willing to accept.
NPD is characterized by feelings of grandiosity. If anything threatens to smear the perfect image that they have carefully crafted for themselves, it will be met with hostility and animosity.
When the child is very young, the parent will silence them and accuse them of being disrespectful. This is a very effective tactic and gets the child to never bring up the issue again.
The problem with this is that the child will begin to second guess themselves and will eventually have a hard time standing up for themselves. They will perceive truth-telling as a disrespectful thing and will choose to always stay silent in order not to upset the parent. Which later in adulthood will translate into all their relationships.
5. Never apologize
A narcissistic parent will rather die than apologize to their child. They see their children as beneath them and not deserving of “bringing themselves down” in front of their child. Even if the parent realizes that they have made a mistake, they will choose to move on and act as if it never happened.
There might be rare occasions in which the parent may offer “an apology”. But this apology will have no accountability and its goal is just to get the child to not bring things up again.
They may say things like:
- “I’m sorry that hurt your feelings but you shouldn’t have done that. You made me very upset, and my reaction was a result of your actions”
- “I didn’t know that my spouse (step-parent to the child) was hurting you but I was not going to be single and alone” (Most of the time they are very aware of what was happening but they feign ignorance later on)
- “I am sorry I wasn’t a good parent according to you. Everyone always tells me how much they admire me. I apologize I did not meet your standards”
These are not real or sincere apologies. The sentences contain the words “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” but the context is anything but that. They do not own up to their mistakes, and what’s worse, they try to turn it back around and make it the child’s fault that they cannot see how great they were.
Unfortunately, their children will most likely never receive a sincere apology from them and will have to make peace with it on their own.
Related: Should Parents Apologize to Their Kids?
6. Victimize their parenthood
Narcissistic parents are the biggest martyrs. They don’t let their children forget how hard they worked to raise them and how much they owe them. They do not see parenting as their duty, but as a huge favor that they have done for their children. The parent will constantly bring up how expensive it is to raise them and how much they have had to deprive themselves of things to fulfill their kid’s needs.
When the child is small, they hold this over their heads and do not let them forget how much they do for them. When the child grows up and becomes an adult, the parents begin to demand restitution. In their minds, they see it as the reward for working so hard to raise their child, now it’s time for them to pay them back.
They do not care if this will bring hardship to their children, they only care about their own well-being.
7. See their children as an extension of themselves
Sometimes the parent might push their children to pursue a career or dream that they always wished they could have accomplished. It doesn’t matter if the child does not want to follow that path or has no interest in the same dream. The narcissistic parent will put an immense amount of pressure on their child to follow the path they have selected for them.
When the child does something right or achieves a goal that leads to success is because of them. They take all the credit and act as if the reason why their child is successful is because of how hard they worked to raise their child well.
However, if their child fails, they blame the other parent for not doing a good job. As if they are not equally responsible for the upbringing of their children.
8. Compete with their children
On the other hand, narcissistic parents may not be happy with their children’ success because it makes them feel inferior. They cannot accept that their child might be outshining them.
Not long ago, I saw this very thing happen in a reality TV show that I was watching. To keep the privacy of the people in question, I will not mention the name of the show or the season. On the son’s wedding day, the dad had the chance to talk to his son before the ceremony. Instead of simply focusing on his son, the dad proceeded to list all of his accolades and the feats that he had achieved when he was playing sports.
On the day of his son’s wedding, the focus could not be on his child. The dad went out of his way to make it all about himself and let everyone watching know how great he was.
This was simply sad.
I do not know this man and I am not saying he is a narcissist. However, I am using this situation as an example because this is exactly how narcissistic parents behave. They always need to feel superior to their children, no matter the circumstance.
Have you ever seen the movie “What to expect when you are expecting”? In the movie we can see what a competitive father and son relationship looks like. The father was always trying to be better at everything when compared to his son. Their wives got pregnant during the same period of time, and the dad even made it a point to point out he was expecting twins, unlike his son who was only expecting one child.
These are the lengths that narcissistic parents will go to in order to “beat” their children at everything. They may even go as far as to wish their children fail, so it can “humble them”. It is very unhealthy and causes immense damage to the children.
9. Expect their child to pursue them
Whether the parent says that they will always have their doors open for their children if they want a relationship, or flat out refuse to be the one to “chase” their child, narcissistic parents feel that they do not need to be the ones to nourish the parent/child relationship.
In their eyes, their children should be worshiping them and “chasing” after them. They do not want to put any effort into the relationship because they have already done their job at raising the children. Now is their turn to be the ones to be nurtured into old age.
10. Always talk about how great they are
This is narcissistic parent 101: they self-praise often. They do not need anyone else (although is very nice when others join in) to tell them how amazing they are because they tell themselves, and their children, regularly.
They hold themselves in very high regard and feel that they are the best thing to ever happen to their children, and for that, they need to be eternally grateful.
11. Their love is conditional
Oh yes, it does not come free. Their love is conditional on their child meeting their expectations and fulfilling the criteria that they have laid out for their kids.
Often times, they will even resort to dangling their affection in front of their child under the condition that the child performs to their expectations. If they don’t, the parent will quickly withdraw their love and attention from them.
In conclusion
As parents, we have the obligation to ensure that our kids grow up in a safe environment. A place where they can voice their feelings and feel heard as well as understood. We have the duty to raise them well and provide for them without holding it over their heads. We are not doing our kids a favor; we are fulfilling our responsibilities.
A narcissistic parent is not capable of seeing things in this way. They feel that their children owe them and should worship the ground they walk on. They lack empathy for their kids and always put themselves first.
As we read throughout the list, if we find ourselves relating to many of these points, maybe it’s time to do some self-reflection and seek professional help to correct our mind frame and make necessary changes.
It is never too late to make a course correction. It will only yield many benefits for you, your children, and the relationship you share in the future.
One thing is for sure, we should all strive to never emulate these traits or fall into these very unhealthy tendencies.
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