A parent that has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is characterized by having a high sense of self, feelings of grandiosity, and a sense of entitlement (among others). People with NPD will always put themselves ahead of everyone else and lack empathy. This is especially true when it comes to their children. They are not the kind of parents that would put their child’s needs first, or in the very least, stop to consider if their decisions will be good for the children.
Growing up with a narcissistic parent will affect the way a child views themselves and the way in which they interact with their peers. This will follow them into adulthood.
To understand the lifelong repercussions narcissistic parents have on their children, I have put together a list of things that the child may struggle with during their lifetime.
10 Effects a narcissistic parent has on their children
1. Low self-esteem and/or self-worth
They have always heard their parent talk down to them and state the child’s flaws, and how difficult the child constantly makes things. This thought is deeply rooted in their minds, and the child will begin to think that they are not worth much…if anything.
The children will become hypercritical of themselves because their parent’s criticism becomes their inner voice.
2. Struggle with asserting themselves
The parent might have always criticized the decisions the child has made, or perhaps, constantly told them how they were rude and did not know how to speak to people.
The child will always wonder if they did or said something wrong that could potentially upset the parent. This later translates to all of their relationships as they grow up and become adults. They may begin to adopt a people pleasing behavior in order to make sure everyone is happy with them and that they are not upsetting anyone.
3. Struggle to express themselves
Children of narcissistic parents struggle to express how they are feeling. This is a result of not being able to show their feelings or talk about something that made them uncomfortable growing up. They might’ve grown up never being able to talk about things that upset them, hurt them, or made them sad. The parent might’ve been unwelcoming of such conversations, and perhaps labeled them as rude or disrespectful because they didn’t want to hear it.
The parent might’ve always minimized their child’s problems and concerns, labeling them as “nothing”. The constant invalidation may make the child think that their problems are not important and that no one will provide any support or understanding of their situation.
As a result, throughout the child’s life all the way into adulthood, they may struggle to express themselves and their emotions.
4. Grow up to be people pleasers
It is ingrained in their minds that the way to get people’s approval is by meeting their expectations and making them happy. This is the way they have operated their entire life at home, and it can be a difficult pattern to break.
This can lead to unhealthy relationships and even put the person at risk of being hurt at times. They might engage in behaviors that they may not want to participate in, but do so anyway, to make other people happy.
5. Anxiety
The child learns early on to be hyper vigilant and always be on their toes to not embarrass or upset the parent. They live in a perpetual state of anxiousness. This gets exasperated by the fact that they cannot open up to the parent and share how they are feeling since they know it will not be well-received.
Children learn quickly that they need to bottle up their feelings because their parent might get upset and accuse them of being disrespectful, or worse, that the parent might turn it around and make them feel awful for hurting the parent’s feelings.
This teaches the child to always keep their feelings to themselves and never to let them out.
6. Distrust
Because they never felt safe opening up to the parent to share their concerns and thoughts, they internalize this as no one is safe. After all, if you can’t talk to your own parent, who could you talk to?
As the child becomes an adult, this distrust translates into their friendships and romantic relationships. It becomes very hard for them to open up and be vulnerable for fear of not being understood and not being accepted for who they are.
7. Isolation
Being raised in a home with a narcissistic parent creates an environment of isolation. Not only is the parent emotionally unavailable and unwilling to understand the point of view of their child, but the people around the family will also play a big role in making the child feel isolated.
How so?
By not believing the child and taking the parent’ side no matter what.
Family members and friends might tell the child how lucky they are to have such an amazing parent. They only get to see the curated version that the narcissistic parent has carefully crafted for them to see. When the child is little, it may seem confusing that everyone is always praising the parent. Therefore, they may choose to stay quiet. This could also be a result of the parent making it clear that they should not talk about the things that happen at home. If they disobey, it may result in punishment for “embarrassing” the parent.
However, when the child becomes an adult and is no longer under the parent’s care, they may begin to speak their truth. Sadly, the people around them may not believe them or may not be sympathetic to their experience. They may refute their reality and say that they can’t believe their story to be true since that parent is an example for excellent parenting.
This leaves the child feeling isolated and unvalidated.
Note: You might be interested in reading How to Help Children of Narcissistic Parents on healthline.com.
8. Labeled as ungrateful
In the eyes of the public, the narcissistic parent is the epitome of what a good parent is supposed to be. Everyone is very in tune with the sacrifices the parent had to make, because they made sure to tell everyone how hard they worked for their children. So, when the children become adults and distance themselves from the narcissistic parent, everyone jumps in to defend the parent.
This is especially true if the parent is getting older. Suddenly, they look frail with declining health, and fingers get pointed at the estranged child for not being a good son or daughter. The adult children get labeled as ungrateful and heartless.
These accusations may come from the very same people that may have had knowledge of the bad things that were going on in the home. They may have known how the parent was emotionally absent, and the unhealthy dynamic that existed in the home. These people may have not defended or protected the child when they were defenseless and vulnerable. But now, they try to shame the child for not being there for the parent. This is extremely painful to hear.
9. Depression
It is no surprise that children that grow up in a narcissistic home grow up to struggle with depression. Since childhood, they might have been expected to always be perfect, overachieve, and never to embarrass the parent. As we all know, real life is full of mistakes and failures.
Eventually, the pressure is too much and the child may begin to feel defeated and not up to par. Spiraling into feelings of worthlessness and sadness.
10. May have a twisted view of themselves
The narcissistic parent may always make negative comments about their child. Whether it is about their personality, behavior, or capabilities. Sometimes, these comments may be embellished as concern. The narcissistic parent may also reach out to other people to request their “help” to get through to their child.
The parent may say things like:
- “With your personality, you will never have true friends. You have to work on yourself so you don’t end up alone”
- “You have gained a lot of weight. You may not find a partner if you keep this up”
- Telling other people: “It’s hard to deal with him/her. They are awful. Can you please talk to them? I think they might listen to you since they NEVER listen to me”
The parent’s goal is not to help their child. The goal is to chip into their self-esteem and ruin their image in front of other people. There is no real concern. By making their child look bad, they can play the role of concerned and loving parent who is only looking after their beloved child. Its only purpose is to fuel their need for positive attention and admiration.
People fall for this act because they are so good at completely destroying their child’s image while acting as loving parents who just want the best for their child.
The problem is that the child’s view of themselves will be twisted by the narrative the parent has created. At times they may think that these comments do not sound like them but will begin to second guess themselves and question if this is who they really are. Therefore, affecting their self-confidence.
In conclusion
It’s very difficult for children to navigate a parent with NPD. It can be confusing and hard to understand why their parents’ behavior hurts so much, even though the parent acts as if nothing is wrong. It is very hard to handle the complexities of this dynamic. Unfortunately, it does not get any better once the child reaches adulthood.
Narcissistic parents wear a mask in front of people as the perfect parent. As long as they hold control over the child, they will act like the perfect parent in front of others. It is not until the child finally breaks free and no longer seeks their approval, that the parent’s mask falls off and they begin to show their true colors.
Their behavior is insidious and extremely damaging.
Unfortunately, it is the children that end up carrying the scars of narcissistic abuse. This puts them at a greater risk of developing NPD themselves and continuing the cycle. This is why it’s so important, as parents, to break unhealthy cycles and do our best to create a safe space for our children. Therefore, forging a healthier and happier future for our kids.
Related: How To Create a Safe Space for Your Kids.
Psss… You might be interested in reading Am I A Narcissistic Parent? How To Tell.
